“Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”: the three unalienable rights granted to all Americans by the Declaration of Independence. We are all familiar with the statement, but where does this American dream stand today?

When political archvillain Dominic Cummings architected Britain´s exit from the European Union, not only was he appealing to a section of the British public who felt disenfranchised with modern politics, he was also awakening a beast that had been lurking in wait ready to divide and devour public opinion.

***SOLD OUT*** Submissions for issue 15 are open!

No matter your age, gender, ethnicity, or religious affiliation; every person on this earth has at one point or another been forced to wonder how their grandma likes to get freaky.

If you thought bamboo paper was the epitome of luxury then get ready for a new level of social luxury.

The Ten Advantages of Intelligent Stupidity

By Tim Daly and Matt Frantz

Everybody knows a covidiot, damn, you’re probably a covidiot yourself!

Walter Chiello is the Creative Director at Atom.inc. He’s from Palermo where shit is hitting the fan, however, he counts on his photography to keep him sane. Follow him instagram.com/walterchiello -PH   Submitted via submissions@readpublichouse.com

I have a list, and it’s getting longer.

It’s been seven months now, mindlessly tweeting whatever random thought pops into your head.

We stood over the metal salad-mixer-bowl as my girlfriend, Y, dropped a match and set my gasoline-soaked Amazon Echo on fire.

by Jack “Jackie” Stevens II, “CPA”

Goddamn coronavirus you piece of shit. I love you.

It’s in your hands

You’ve made nothing with access to everything. You’ve conquered nothing.

As COVID quarantine nears 4 months, we are all a little cooped up and trying new hobbies like baking sourdough and gardening… and strangulation.

Well, folks, it’s that time of the night again, your roommates have all gone to bed and you’re left alone with nothing but your phone, your drunken thoughts, and that crushing sense of regret and shame.

Issue 13 | The Conspiracy Issue Issue 13 has a little bit for everyone. Whether you are dubious by nature or believe everything in your Facebook feed. We discussed among other things:

Art by Allen Forrest

The recent rise in thought and self-awareness teaches us something very important. We are all a bunch of smug privileged pricks.

Why pretend? Because that person is under the impression that liking these things will make them somehow more likeable themselves.

Room for Rent: Spacious Subterranean Dungeon. Ideal for teen runaways, drifters and those with limited identification.

Nominate this.

GALLOWS Gentle reader. Tonight we have a special treat: a Q&A with the man called the Bard of Avon.

Several months ago, a friend recommended eating Vegans as a sixty-day challenge. I accepted the challenge and it has changed how I’ll eat for the rest of my life.

No coffin please, just wet, wet mud.

The American Pandemic Cookbook By Stanley Greene Cheap and Delicious Tomato Soup With Sock

We finally caved

Everycunt, I will go with thee.

Now obviously we don’t want to cause anyone pain or discomfort by stealing their necessary medicine but…

It’s time to face the facts people.

Many of my American friends will tell you that the repercussions of drinking moonshine greatly outweigh the benefits. This goes against everything I believe about alcohol.

A thought experiment

It’s 5 p.m. and you know what that means, baby.

An unaggressive, peaceful yet fun playlist. Made to help you coexist with your household regardless of their awful taste in music.

Tyler: [sighs] I just keep thinking, you know, it had to be more than one thing. But, as far as I can tell, it was just that one, single thing.

If I had a dog my basil plant would still be alive

Far be it from me to add, more than I already have, to the slush pile of Covid 19 Coronavirus Crisis column inches being written but I’m noticing a trend.  

I always thought that Louis got a pretty bad deal from his wanking scandal.

“It’s a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful.” Roald Dahl, Matilda

We spotted in Shoreditch High St. a new art piece by artist Leon Villalobos.

It’s March 2020. A month that will forever be known as The Month Britain Changed.

Covid Lockdown ( Day 7: The Monopoly Game )

  13 | The Conspiracy Issue. No, it won’t be just about the virus. 11 fascinating topics and counting. submissions@readpublichouse.con

UPDATED 24 MARCH 2020

    Covid Lockdown (Day 1: Two Week Supply Of Pringles Eaten On First Day)

Could you imagine how a cynical genius like Larry would behave in a pandemic like today? If you can then write it down!

Sweatshop-free luxury

A complete tease is up on Issue.com. Check It out!

At the time of writing it’s the end of February, traditionally a month full of red roses, chocolates and, it would seem, mass outbreaks of killer diseases. This gave me cause to ruminate about the world of online dating.

The world is going crazy over the newest trend in food consumption.

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do you all want drinks?”

I haven’t written anything for months.

The perfect funny gift for a vegan or vaper  

When the tide is high, the bodies wash upright on the concrete bank. Their skin is almost translucent, a kind of pale-aqua punch, perhaps the shade of the blueberry nectar you suckled on as a puppy.

Dear Dr. Kim, last time I travelled to Australia I wanted to hang myself for 3 straight days…

I once entered a hot dog eating competition. Not because I’m gluttonous, a fan of Man Versus Food or because I like hot dogs. I did it for love. 

Long story short: Kelleth Cuthbert, hired to work at the Golden Globes to “hydrate” the actors with water but instead filled those bottles with vodka making the actors go crazy(er) than usual, is quite the character.

Intuitive eating means throwing out the rule book when it comes to your diet.

Our friends over at Slackjack are running an awesome contest at the moment with 10,000USD in prizes. It’s open for everyone no matter how you spell ‘humour’.   You can find out all about it HERE Good Luck bitches! -PH  

Another is the new kid on the block, vying for a place in the fridge, this brewery has a fight on its’ hands.

Ever since I started my co-op last month, the value of my weekends has absolutely skyrocketed.

You heard it first here, folks. -PH

Write drunk, edit sober. List drunk, shop sober. Tube drunk, Uber sober. Gossip drunk, debunk sober. Make friends drunk, make enemies sober. Meme drunk, comment sober. Insult drunk, apologize sober. Quote drunk, reference sober. Twitter drunk, LinkedIn sober. Swipe drunk, message sober. Submit drunk, write sober. Daniel Galef @DanielGalef

A few months ago, I saw a headline in the paper about the Houston City Council unanimously passing an emergency ordinance blocking a “sex robot brothel” from opening in town. Turns out, the headline was a little misleading.

I knew the day would come. Some unseen force would cause untold misery, and it did. It came in the form of antibiotics.

We are teaming up with Leon Villalobos, one of our favourite new artists hitting London.

AmyGaffneyWrites @gaffneyamy 1m Emoji bahahahahahaha This thread has me in stitches!

Year 3 of PH is going to be much bolder and unfettered.

I left school at 16, under the impression that I had two choices; go and earn money, or stay on at my nasty great comprehensive for another two years listening to a selection of malcontents and probable paedophiles talk bollocks.

It’s not about carbs and it’s not about steaks…

Be present. Be calm. If necessary, be wasted.

Vampire Weekend launches biggest pre-sale scam of the century.

“Daniel — Is it finally gone?” Her voice sounds annoyed behind the barely-opened bedroom door.

Daphne Fry, the Conservative candidate for Bath, thought pressing the flesh at the Villa of Happiness was great fun.

“You have to do it slowly son. Otherwise, the crab will know something fishy is going on,” said Thomas, chuckling between his teeth.

During our fickle time as human beings, whether we want to or not, our mammalian genes surge in positive and negative waves when we encounter ‘love’.

Good afternoon people! What a gorgeous day in London, no?

“I’m the devil. I don’t have the ability to love anymore.”

                                                   Dear Applicant

It doesn’t take a genius to realise sharing nude photos is more common now than ever before.

Betrayal… It’s not in a kiss.

How much for a pint of beer here?

As someone who is gay, I’ve never had an issue with getting it up for a fit guy. But in this modern age of gender fluidity, hazardous pronouns and chicks with dicks, it seems some heterosexual men find it difficult to get a hard-on.

Allen Forrest @artgrafiken

  Issue 9 is a fascinating and hilarious issue. A tabloid journalism lampoon filled with games, crosswords, horoscopes and funny advice. We top it all up with a functional calendar, the magazine itself transforms into a full2019 monthly calendar that you can hang on your wall!  Order Here

It was a regular Sunday evening when Mr Bond approached the bar and spewed his order without even making eye contact with the bartender.

For Bianca (why won’t you come back?) “Have you got any matches?” Tom asks hotly.

What a bleeding disaster thought Phil: I’m late for my own brother’s funeral.

I grow old, I grow old, I shall eat my tacos with a fork and my pizzas rolled.

Nelson Mandela stormed into the green room swearing and sweating profusely, his neck was loose and rubbery.

When you have a consistent pain that needs investigating, a crevice that is misbehaving, or a growth that won’t stop growing, you have to seek the advice of a medical professional.

So I was in with the doctor the other day and I told him I’d a rash on my helmet and it was particularly itchy round my jap’s eye.

1) A Comedy of Eros

’cause feminism.

As part of an initiative to target behaviour deemed hateful or offensive. The Government will be introducing a cultural re-education program aimed at members of the public who display non-politically correct behaviour.

A man sits in a nearby Subway. He has spilt mayonnaise on his Next Generation commander uniform and is awkwardly trying to wipe it clean with a napkin.

“The problem with vegans is they’re always going on about being f***ing vegans!” so says any comedian (and now contro-polemist) for the last ten years.

We went to Sculpture by the Sea in the world famous Bondi beach in Sydney. 

Cumbersome emotions are much like loaded guns, however, we appear to point the barrels all too often at ourselves and stare at the sound of self-sabotage in the face, wondering if we’ll hear the bang before it’s over.

There was a time where our heroes were something to genuinely admire, a beacon of talent, wit, bravery, or beauty.

Hi there! Are you single? Me too.

Oh, Queer or Oh Dear?

£4.20 plus FREE shipping for a limited time only

Oh, Christ. It’s September. That means back to school and to stay awake all night studying instead of drinking like you did all summer.

There’s been much consternation and mouth-frothing fury at this whole Brexit thing, but there has been one aspect that has garnered criticism from all sides since Article 50 was triggered – the negotiating style of the UK government.

Bob Baisen was once a powerful talent agent in Hollywood.

There can’t be a more annoying group of people on the face of this planet than parents.

This is not the first time that we’ve shown you the work of Alva Bernardine, he’s a house favourite because of his talent and irreverence. Check out his interview for the French/German programme Tracks, ARTE.

Here on the small island of Pahvlo, we celebrate logic, reason, and scientific thinking, as we have since Pehavi’or created the land a thousand years ago.

Made in the highlands of the Sierra Madre Occidental, raicilla (pronounced rye-see-ya) is an agave spirit rooted in folklore and tradition.

Rory DCS is a fun consultant, her pictures take you on road trips you’ll never forget. We simply can’t stop looking at her work. Enjoy.

We’ve teamed up with El Camino Del Pensador Mezcal in our Summer Issue.

On a recent edition of the reality show ‘Dinner Date’, a female contestant, following her evening with a young man from Chelmsford said, “The date went alright…and he was a lot less Essex-y than I thought he’d be!”  

Charlotte’s photography has captured a side of Vietnam like no one else has.

I tried to eat like a normal person over the weekend

A drunken sermon delivered by Rebel John, Homeless Preacher – 4 Am, July 31st 2017 ‘London is a bastard!’

The Hackney dreams and the Shoreditch money-making machine,

STARTING STATS (SEPTEMBER 2013): 372 POUNDS – 47% BODY FAT – 48 BMI – HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE – TYPE 2 DIABETES – TACHYCARDIC 

I didn’t want to write this, I didn’t want to write something with any tinge of Brexit about it. I wanted to write about something more fun like the demise of western civilisation. The last thing we need right now is more commentary on Brexit.

  Bring Out The Fine China

 Leon is back with a second collection of his pragmatic art.

Our friends over at robotbutt.com have created a parody account for National Lampoon.

Drinking at the airport I’m sick of pretending that drinking at the airport is only to kill time.

Oh, glorious summer. It’s time for America to send their biggest and brightest to visit the UK and its’ shimmering isles.

It’s county fair season, and there’s no better way to make summer memories than riding puke machines assembled by disgruntled carnies.

I fantasize about her every morning in the shower.

Our friend Oliver headed down to Hope Gap in Sussex by The Seven Sisters chalk cliffs to try and enjoy our Great British Summer.  

Emma is a great photographer with a perfect eye for sunny landscapes.

First 100 orders get a free postcard!

Our Spring Drink is inspired by Japanese whiskey simply because we are obsessed with it. 

First of all, so we get this neat, what’s the difference between The Chapel Gate Irish Whiskey Company and J.J. Corry Whiskey?

A disruptive and unacceptable chain of events was precipitated by the delivery of a sausage to the Housing Office at Spelrow County Council, Main Building.

When we hit the market with our first Irish whiskey release, J.J. Corry The Gael, I was incredibly surprised at how much the media focused on our company being all female.

At my summer camp, after breakfast, we had cabin cleanup.

Green Cuisine was formed in 2016 when three different people from diverse backgrounds came together with one vision. Frustrated by the lack of effective CBD products which are often massively overpriced, they decided to unite to develop a new range that actually worked.

Sex robots are on the rise like never before. The days of the blow-up doll, with the constantly surprised expression, is a thing of the past.

FIND THE ANSWERS AT THE END, GOOD LUCK!

It was just after my brother asked me to carry him into the car and drive him to a clinic in Switzerland to be put-down (his words) that this all started. That was ten years ago. I’m getting ahead of myself.

A graphic narrative about an unfortunate love story filled with love, money, hate and indulgence.

I’m not exactly sure how the hell they did it but nerds have somehow managed to completely reinvent themselves. They’re still dweebs and do incredibly embarrassing shit but the idea they’re all losers is no longer a popular one.

I’m a nerd for bike touring.

If it were not for Albert Camus, I would have wasted even more time and money in a clinical psychology doctoral program I had no business being in.

CRYPTO? People are getting rich off this weird digital money thing called bitcoin. Think it’s too late to do the same? Think again!

It’s Saturday and the sun is shining, unusual for London. I have become used to the grey and my unmistakeably ghostly pallor.

10 Mind-Blowing Things You Should Know about Me before You Hire Me

Art But Not Really is the work of Bristol-based illustrator Chris Lambourne.

Last year our producer Amy tried her luck switching from her iPhone to Punkt. It wasn’t easy but the rewards were clear.

When I first arrived in England in the late nineties, I was lucky enough to share a house with another Greek man with whom I became good friends.

My mum has more testosterone than me. This is evidenced when I hear her effin’ and blindin’ downstairs in her bedroom when she is angrily engrossed in another multiplayer session of Call of Duty. Yes, my mum plays Call of Duty!

Finally, an ode to the vagina!

In the United States, you have to dismiss a lot of reasonable logic to succeed in government.

1 The LED flash for alerts – Commonly accompanied by a designer phone case, this is very common in people who think Ibiza is the best place in the world when in fact it’s the absolute worst.

Like all languages, English is full to the brim with arbitrary rules.

Alright, homies, It is well known that London sucks at tacos, I mean, Wahaca!?

Ronkonkoma Heating Solutions Ltd. Meeting to discuss moving from instant coffee to real coffee 5.4.18

Allen Forrest @artgrafiken

Pizza is officially the most addictive food in the world.

Submissions end April 24th submissions@readpublichouse.uk

Saturday, February 25th, 2017

Making my way home from work on a grey weekday evening one time I tried to escape the doom and gloom of my third London bus journey of the day.

  The Godfather: Pale blue with white polka dots

I grew to be the girl in town Hackney bred I wear the crown From mare street to Dalston Can you hear that sound?

Who doesn’t love a good old 9/11 conspiracy theory?

1 Professor Butts, having relocated to the Middle East to avoid the humidity, trips head-first into a palm tree and hiccoughs out the following invention for achieving Israeli-Palestinian accords:

Homer:— He doesn’t really think about classical authors much. So, obviously, deal-breaker.

That tree used to be a smaller tree. And that food bank used to be a regular bank. – Homer Simpson.

Wearing your yoga pants to the coffee shop with your “friend”, who you secretly bitch about to your shitbag husband, says a lot about you.

December 8th, 1980

Diary of a Tiny Adult Man with an iPhone X and a Range Rover

Fear of flying is irrational.

Pope Francis watches me masturbate, from the mirror atop the dresser.

Story by Leon Villalobos Model: Ellen Hasson leonvillalobos.com              

A Fan of Bowel Movements…

With Eddie Mitchel and Hal Furness.

It isn’t every day that someone tries to mug you on the streets of Asbury Park, New Jersey but when it happens sometimes you have to roll with the punches and invite them to your show just for the laugh of it.

Luis Quiles is one of the most brazen artists we have featured so far. 

It was like a cloud, dark and thick, and it came for us.

Is it just me or is there a retarded amount of importance being placed on high cuisine and the wacky shit people in foreign lands eat?

David Lidbetter is a great photographer from London who looks exactly like Moby.

Allen Forrest @artgrafiken Originally published by New Plains Review

I realised something at yoga yesterday: I really don’t like to Om.

Let’s be honest here, we’ve all stuck something rather obscure up our arse at least one point in our life.

A square of fake grass in the middle of the room is the place that contains 100 black apples.

Ten days in this city will make you miss American toilets, television and showers.

They were here, don’t ask me how, but proof exists,

My girlfriend tells me that I am no longer allowed to gamble. However, I would happily go against her iron-fisted will on one very specific occasion: if I were able to wager that over 90% of all reported migraines were, at best, just headaches.

Dear Vin, The new Corvette ZR1 was announced this month in LA.

A strong full-bodied mix of weird flavours and a hint of racism.

The political state of the country may seem as unorganised as a Public House release party but now the dust has settled and the ‘we’re fucked’ response has mellowed, it does not seem such a dire situation.  

Conspiracy theorists gather up!

When Michael Jackson died on June 25th, 2009, it was like my whole world had suddenly come to an end.

After forty years they were standing around looking at one another, drinking, talking.

Country Singer Dylan Earl visits Public House Magazine’s headquarters in London for an exclusive interview with Eddie Mitchel.

Picture the scene, you are a tired and delirious survivor of a post-apocalyptic world…

I don’t want to call anyone a slut but Omnipollo sure gets around.

It was our first big trip out of state together, Rebecca and I; for a poetry festival in Kansas City, Missouri.

Everyone I have ever known in my life has morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely and undeniably cheated on their partner or has experienced being cheated on themselves.

Holy shit is the creative team behind these new breweries a 9-year-old stoner kid??

This short graphic narrative speaks to the drunk inside all of us.

I used to work in a pub back home.

So what if I like my tea with dangerously diabetic levels of sugar?

We’re on holidays!

Is your dealer too friendly? Does he make you feel uncomfortable, forcing you to make excuses so he leaves your place?

If there’s one thing old people are good at, it’s bitching about stupid shit that doesn’t matter.

The UK has fallen victim to American marketing once again.

Don’t tell this to Jared Fogle but this beer tastes like watered down pineapple juice but it hits you like pure vodka.

It’s everywhere. Fucking everywhere.

ISIS wants to impose their ideology on the world, and their chosen way to do this is through violence. Could we say the same for Antifa?

Dear Vin, My girlfriend (like most girls) is obsessed with Instagram.

Adding blood orange to a beer is cheating, EVERYTHING  tastes good with it, and this is no exception.

London shouldn’t be allowed nice things. We just end up breaking or misusing them.

This beer’s bitterness claims to be only because of grapefruits, zero hops, which means there are 6,000 grapefruit peels in there. “Blessed be the (grape) fruit”  

Your cities were never safe, even twenty-three years ago.

I have zero self-control when it comes to food.

We’ve all been there and we all hate it, but what’s the actual difference temperature wise? We have the data. 

Mikkeller’s La Neta got EVERYTHING right.

Den här ölen är bubblig som fan, döm den inte på grund av den lille självmords benägna svenska amish killen på etiketten. 

The much-praised Thai barbeque joint gets its first sister restaurant.

We landed in Cancun, México.

This beer is worth the embarrassment of ordering a chardonnay.

She’s young and funny. She’s strong, well balanced, no daddy issues, and, of course, completely out of your league.

Being 5 ft 8 I’m neither considered short or tall.

Ta Das went to Hyde Park where thousands of stoners stood together in the name of the mariguanas.

Our 3rd editorial photoshoot featuring:

The frightening and sinister reddened looking creature 9 inches long and thick in size was looking at the young adventurer with horrifying and unnerving intentions.

Dear Vindictive Vin, I know you are a fan of speed.

‘Let’s take it slow’.

This is the story about a book entitled The Tooth Fairy.

  There’s a lot about us Americans you Brits probably have a hard time grasping.

Back in the late 1970s, British television took a marked change of direction.

This is not a beer, it’s a milkshake. Don’t let them fool you, there’s no way something so tasty can be made with grains and fungus and water and fish.

The Orange Buffalo does – *spoiler alert* – Buffalo wings.

What happens when that sea is a poisoned swamp plagued of abnormal and mutilated feral fish that just want to devour you whole?

Sorry beer nerds, this one quid beer just shat all over your beards.

All tequilas are mezcal, but not all mezcal is tequila.

Don’t, whatever you do, go on holiday with your Dad.

The food is pickled, and so are the people. 

Dear Vin, I hate Lamborghinis. What sort of a soulless bold Italian puffy jacket asshole would want a Countach?

Twins Franklyn and Brendan Connor were brought up in a secretive and highly controversial cult known as ‘The Family’.

I didn’t catch her name, she said she was from Sextown and she was the best one night stand I’ve ever had. 

Oh God, I’m reaching for the comb, To make my head feel more at home.

It’s time to stop rolling your eyes because someone thinks Bob Marley is dogshit.

A fun game to play when drinking German beer is that everyone must yodel after every sip and carry on with their conversations like nothing happened.

If there was a degree in this shit I’d have a first class and would have written my first novel by now… or would I??? Probably not!

Dear V V, I can’t watch movies anymore. They are brainless Hollywood pieces of rubbish, and they are fucking LOOOOONG all movies should be 1 hour.

One thing that has recently been gnawing away at me subconsciously is the topic of marriage.

Erstwhile pop-up taco joint gets its own premises. Life made better.

Statistics from Macclesfield police show that Treacle Town enjoys the lowest crime rate in the country. Or so they thought!