It’s been seven months now, mindlessly tweeting whatever random thought pops into your head.

Things like “might make a sandwich”, or “Does yogurt go bad?”. You didn’t really think much of it, after all, each tweet got about 4 likes, and at this point any validation is more than welcome. You certainly don’t have anyone else to share your thoughts and concerns with, do you? Well now you’ve logged on and realized you have a new follower. Yup, it’s that person that left you seven months ago. Don’t panic, now is your chance to subtly remind them of all of your good qualities and win them back.

Art by Joan Cornella – joancornella.net

1. Before we really even get started, you should probably go back and delete some of those posts you made the month after you broke up. Nobody wanted to read your shitty break up poetry anyway. Your ex will also not want to see those completely incoherent tweets you made that clearly show how blackout drunk you were.

2. Everybody likes funny, but not everyone IS funny. You might be one of those unfunny people, right? WRONG! You two are following each other now, so do a little research. See what posts they’ve liked and retweeted. There is no shame in using data to form a pattern. See how they liked eight posts about the Cuban missile crisis in the last two days? Make a funny tweet about Castro!

3. Now you’re going to want to post some fresh pictures of yourself looking as good as possible. Get a haircut and actually put on clothes and get ready for some selfies. Get in your car and drive anywhere that looks more interesting than your living room. Literally anywhere, it won’t be hard, a park or next to an old brick building will do just fine. Be sure to take a few by setting your phone down and using the timer so that they will think someone else took it and be forced to wonder who you’re with.

4. Use the platform as a means to reaffirm your common interests. Follow all of those pages about nature conservation and climate change and start retweeting everything they put out. Use hashtags like #changestartshere. People eat that stuff up. That’s what they were into right? Who knows, probably. Jesus, why can’t you remember?maybe this is why they left.

5. What are you even doing? You’re not fooling anyone. It’s been seven months, why can’t you just let go? Have you considered that maybe they’re happy without you and they only followed you because they want to be civil and not because they want to be back in your life? Why the hell do you have to overthink everything so much you conceded pile of garbage? Maybe you should seriously consider talking to a professional or perhaps getting on some medication. This type of behavior really isn’t healthy for you.

6. Baking! Make a batch of cutely decorated cookies or a nice pie and post it to the feed to show of your new and improved kitchen skills! There you have it folks, this list is a sure fire way to get started on making that ex have no choice but to think of you whenever they log on. If you think of any other ways be sure to write us and let us know, but for now, good luck!
We still think you should maybe look into getting medication or trying therapy though. This really isn’t a good look for you.

Jake Turner

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