Well, folks, it’s that time of the night again, your roommates have all gone to bed and you’re left alone with nothing but your phone, your drunken thoughts, and that crushing sense of regret and shame.

That’s right, it’s time to drunk dial your ex again. Now in your inebriated state, this may seem like an easy enough task, but we’re here to tell you that you couldn’t be more wrong. Take a look at our guide to really knock this attempt out of the park.
1. Start off strong.
Whether they answer the phone or it goes to voicemail, you have got to sound sure of yourself. Don’t open with ” uh..hey… I uhh…”. Jump right in with that overcompensating cockiness that made them start to dislike you in the first place, something like “Hey, thank you for calling!”
2. Remind them of how sorry you are for that thing you did years ago.
Sure it’s been a long time and they act like they’re over it, but you know damn well you need to relive the situation together at least one or two more times…you know, for their sake.
3. If number three doesn’t work, play the sympathy card.
Everyone loves a sad puppy, so bust out that obnoxiously whiny voice and start telling them how nothing has been okay since they left. You just can’t make it on your own, and you’ll do anything for them to even pretend like they still love you.
4. Completely backtrack and let them know just how great your life has been since the breakup.
You know what, fuck them. Things have never been better. Explain in your angriest voice just how content you are with getting rejected by all of those beautiful girls who aren’t even old enough to get into the bar with you.
5. Hang up.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, you’ve clearly fucked up. Just go to bed.
6. Call back.
Now that you got all of that out, it’s time to give it another shot. Collect yourself and rehearse all the things you actually wanted to say. Take a deep breath, call back, and have the exact same conversation you did the first time.
This guide is not guaranteed to work for every situation. Let’s be real, this is almost definitely a lost cause, but aren’t you ultimately happier bothering them than you are building a real sincere connection with someone else?

Jake Turner