Room for Rent: Spacious Subterranean Dungeon.

Ideal for teen runaways, drifters and those with limited identification.

Located far from the distractions of city life in an undisclosed location, this rental Dungeon is perfect for those with strained/limited social ties, those who live on the fringes of society, or those who simply have nothing left to lose. Unfurnished, save for a pair of manacles bolted to the wall, the property really allows you to put your own touch on the place! Whether that be scratching notches to indicate days into the concrete, immortalizing your name into the stone, or setting up a sitting nook to quietly contemplate what your future holds for you.

Includes:

  • Low, almost suspiciously low rent
  • New concrete flooring
  • Distance from neighbours for ample privacy
  • Mostly dry living quarters
  • Recent “special” renovations, including soundproof walls
  • Your own private washroom (sorry no indoor plumbing)
  • Sporadic meals and clothing provided
  • Closed-circuit cameras for added security/peace of mind
  • Moisturizing lotion provided for constant skin rubbing

Required in Tenant:

  • Willingness to take instruction
  • Soft speaking/shrieking voice
  • A habit of not saying where you’re going or for how long
  • Open to the idea of a roommate, in case I ever decide to get my mannequin out of storage
  • Very good skin
  • Hobbies that include being quiet for long periods of time and applying moisturizing lotion to skin
  • Wears size 14
  • Known by others for quality of skin
  • Female
  • Not particularly attached to skin

All applications and questions can be placed in a brown unmarked envelope and left by the 4th Street bus stop.  Thank you for your time.

Edit: To cut down on letters asking, no this dungeon room does not have Wi-Fi or cell reception due to its obscure location (most known for its obscurity).

Edit: Priority will be given to 5’4 redheads with slight overbites and the smooth milky skin of monumental alabaster, who remind me of my ex-wife Tanya. Priority is also given to non-smokers.

Duck Clemson

@duckclemson