Goddamn coronavirus you piece of shit. I love you.

I don’t love the Rona, people have died, or as some people put it “some people died a bit sooner than they should have”. That’s a tad mean – you big meany. But yeah maybe… who cares. The reality is that when I’m old and fragile a new virus will take ME down, the young and beautiful will not give a shit. I’m fine with that.

What is actually beautiful are these new social perks we’ve all embraced thanks to COVID.

The routine

Nothing kills the soul more than routine. That is why we turn vegan, then pescatarians, then we drink only blood for a month like that bald guy with the boring podcast. What is it, Joe Rogaine? Worst ad for Rogaine ever. Lockdown gave us a different routine, some hated it – fucking haters. I loved it. Now we are all about to go back to stupid work until the second wave gives us a long undeserved Christmas holiday (CALLED IT!).

The “kiss hello”

Never been a fan of the single kiss hello, but the double kiss hello always grinned my gears. Who invented it, the fucking french? It’s everywhere in Europe but now we can kiss it goodbye; twice if you want.

Dodging dodgy people

Have you ever been walking through the streets and you see a group of dodgy people? Call them street toughs, crackheads, hooligans, homeless, or charity surveyors. Ever felt like a bit of a pussy going around them? NOT ANYMORE!

Thanks to COVID and the international safe distancing rules, crossing the road is not only socially acceptable, is admirable. Thank you, COVID!

The Uber divider

I have to admit I haven’t taken an uber since lockdown, but that divider I’ve seen around seems pretty attractive. I wonder if it keeps the smells separate too?

The office fart

Ever been in the awkward situation where some fat fuck farts but you can’t get away or cover your face with your t-shirt? Just pop that mask on and do a couple of light coughs, then slowly turn around and sob.

Pandemics are bad but so is routine and modern slavery. Find the positive like a ventriloquist would. They’re probably having a blast at the moment.