It’s time to face the facts people.

Although Disney doesn’t set out to make us think thoughts like this, we’ve all pondered on this. Which one of those adorable little dudes is gonna be best in the sack?

I’m here to tell you right now, without a doubt, it’s Bashful. A lot of you are probably thinking, “Hey, wouldn’t Doc be the best? He would probably have more experience, right?” WRONG. And don’t you ever say some shit like that to me again. Aside from having the most seductive eyes, Bashful is not really the best looking, but he’s got it where it counts. Because of his shyness, he won’t have had many chances to have sex in the first place, so he’s going to make damn sure he’s doing a good job by paying the closest attention to you possible. He will also be that librarian type in bed, where he’s so reserved in everyday life that he’s going to let it all out once the clothes come off.

I honestly don’t think most of us could handle a sexual dynamo like Bashful. Arguably just as important as the sex, after you guys are finished you’re going to be able to make Bashful do just about anything you want. Want some french toast? Wanna watch bowling you weird son of a bitch? Wanna go for round 2? It doesn’t matter, Bashful is going to be down.

Jake Turner


Artwork by Ania Kozłowska