A thought experiment
1. Number one is always fart.
2. Number two is out the other end.
3. Bring an XL yoga mat, especially if you’re particularly petite.
4. Tip your neighbour over while they’re in dancer (Nataraj asana). Double points for a domino effect.
“Offer some Xanax.”
5. Ask about the Sanskrit name of every pose after every mention of their anglicized versions.
6. Mention loudly that Yoga with Adriene is so much more worth it than this.
7. Offer to hit the “gong bowl” when class ends.
8. Ask “what is Tibet” when they correct you and say “it’s actually called a Tibetan singing bowl.”
9. Ask them about how they started yoga, and then totally one-up them with your story about how you started yoga. Doesn’t matter if it’s real.
Some ideas: You were partially paralyzed by a diving accident until you found yoga, you were raised for the first years of your life by a guru in the mountains who ended up being your kidnapper and then your family finally rescued you, but you still do yoga because of Patty Hearst and Stockholm syndrome, etc.
10. Invite them to your virtual yoga class, where you are the leader, through Zoom. If they come, just end up playing a Popsugar workout video.
11. Sneeze every time they mention the word “asana.”
12. Go to a hot yoga class with a fur coat.
13. Boast in the middle of class that it’s “faux chinchilla.”
14. Tell them to “calm down” whenever you get a rise.
15. Then offer some Xanax.
16. At the end of every class, hand out your card to the other yogis, assuring them that they’ll find that their true “OMie” is you.