The world is going crazy over the newest trend in food consumption.

The Ocean’s Ten Diet is the newest form of non-vegetarian semi-pescetarian way to increase your energy, lose weight and annoy the shit out of your friends. It’s designed to give your body a break from hormones and toxins found in beef, pork, lamb and especially chicken. It’s not unfathomable to assume that the chicken in Iceland which is £1 per kilo has been smacked with beautifully designed steroids, these hormones will eventually end up enhancing your mood swings (girls), moobs (boys) or your desires to cut your own dick off (Bruce). Rumour has it that they tried to do the same with rabbits back in 19th century England but it all went pear-shaped. The rabbits grew way too much and became far too aggressive so they shipped them all to Australia… and that’s how Kangaroos were born.

The diet is named after its 10 core rules:

  1. Eat only seafood but don’t call yourself a vegetarian, not even pescetarian.
  2. Don’t eat products designed to substitute meat. This includes tofu, seitan and the infamous Quorn. Those things taste gross, this diet is meant to make you feel better, not send you into a depression, besides, they contain lots of preservatives and unpronounceables.
  3. You’re allowed to use meat flavouring including meat oils, broth, and seasonings!
  4. You’re not doing this for the love of animals -animals are there to be eaten. You are doing it for the love of yourself.
  5. You must not turn into “that guy”. Social occasions out of your control are excused, like the classic BBQ with nothing but sausages. You won’t make a big deal about it. Ideally, no one in the room will ever know that you normally don’t eat sausages.
  6. McDonalds’ fish burger is awesome.
  7. Don’t let anyone call you a vegetarian.
  8. Eat everything else. Eggs, milk, cheese, frogs, bring it on. You’re never going to make it if you combine this diet with other diets. Don’t be a fucking hero.
  9. Don’t be lazy. People say seafood is expensive and more complicated to cook, these people are lazy cunts (and probably smoke way too much weed). There is nothing easier than opening a can of tuna.

The recommended amount of time is whatever the fuck you feel like.

If you want to know more about the benefits of only eating seafood you can google it here.



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