As someone who is gay, I’ve never had an issue with getting it up for a fit guy. But in this modern age of gender fluidity, hazardous pronouns and chicks with dicks, it seems some heterosexual men find it difficult to get a hard-on.

If you are a heterosexual man and currently reading this and are finding it hard (pun totally intended) to even get a semi, or if those retro Pamela Anderson YouTube clips of her running towards you in a seductive slow manner while bouncing around in a red swimsuit on Baywatch no longer gets you, well… hard – then you may need to reconsider that you could actually be, in fact, a homosexual.

“April 2019, NHS doctors will begin to ask the sexual orientation of their patient rather than assuming that they are heterosexual before diagnosing them with a limp willy.”

A recent medical report looking into the many reasons behind erectile dysfunction is encouraging concerned doctors to ask worried presumed heterosexual male patients about their sexuality in case they are shagging someone who is, in fact, the “wrong gender”. Yes, you could have been sexually active with the wrong gender and sticking your penis into the wrong kind of hole this entire time and not have even noticed it.

Then again, how you could get confused between a vagina and a male anus is anyone’s guess.

According to the report, a rough estimate of 100,000 British men could be subconsciously battling with their conflicting sexuality which is leading to them not being able to perform in the bedroom and stay hard for more than 5 minutes. To be fair, most women these days are even lucky if their man can keep it up for more than a minute. Dr Geoff Hackett spoke of his findings of the report by the British Society of Sexual Medicine, saying that, “if a man is in a relationship with a woman and is having problems with erectile dysfunction it might be because they are in a relationship with the wrong gender.” He went on to add that “some people can be wrestling with their sexuality and need to be pointed in the right direction.”

From April 2019, NHS doctors will begin to ask the sexual orientation of their patient rather than assuming that they are heterosexual before diagnosing them with a limp willy. Other reasons that may cause you to lose your boner include, but are not limited to: hearing your mum getting fucked by your dad in the room next door, overly obese hairy feminists with bad body odour and pink hair, and erm… Hillary Clinton in her undies. Having Rosie O’Donnell appear in your head when you are in the process of physically getting head is also enough reason to lose any kind of sexual libido.

So yeah, not being able to get a stiffy with a woman means that you are properly gay. But to be honest, we didn’t need a scientific study to tell you that.

Michael Lee

@MangledMichael