During our fickle time as human beings, whether we want to or not, our mammalian genes surge in positive and negative waves when we encounter ‘love’.

It can be love for a toy, a dead pet, a relative or some genital-bearing creature of your choosing. Regardless, you and your genitals will inevitably find themselves yearning for those of another.

This article will be framed in the context of love between two humans. It’s often an exciting, dangerous excursion that divides and conquers the psyche, heaven and hell will present themselves in tandem, and you will quake as the world you once occupied becomes something alien, and the one you just entered, dystopian.

If you have encountered ‘love’, there are the fleeting pangs of concern and worry that will fester in the mind unless action is taken. There is also the endless pining for the lover… Your lover, the one that you desire to claim for your own.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote up the much loved ‘Five Stages of Grief’, which accurately describes the turbulent difficulties a startup relationship can go through. This is not gospel however, it must be noted that this is largely based on my own recent experience with love. It’s something I denied myself even during times when I was seeing someone for much longer than a few months, which has only happened three times. I’m 27.

Denial – Naturally you’ll be telling yourself and whoever else about this person at great length, going into plenty of details about their pro’s and con’s, contemplating your desires all while fearfully denying yourself the right to make the first move or let the whole opportunity slip away.

In my instance, it began with outright rejection. Despite having known this woman for nearly three years and sharing a somewhat casual physical relationship with her, we were also great friends, from the moment she asked for my number on the way to work.

Like me, you’ll likely refuse to press forward with this new venture due to your own pathetic reasons. Insecurities, mental health difficulties, pure fear and hatred of love.

Anger – This will occur when you realise all of your defences mean nothing to whoever you are trying to protect, them or yourself. At this point, like a hellfire missile, you will make an attempt to sabotage the prospective relationship by saying something fucking outrageous or doing something worse.  

The more you give yourself over to the anger, the more you may realise you care.

Bargaining – Now you’re really knee deep in the shit, you’ll confide in friends, family and your fragile ego. Perhaps they are the one? Maybe they will eventually realise you really are a terrible shit-heap of human DNA, and maybe they will leave you.

On the other hand it could be great, no? All those conversations and little moments together that brought you to this place… You’ll be buttery in no time. With a clenched fist and blood rushing through your heart and genitals, you negotiate these life lessons.

Acceptance – This is it, the make or break moment for you. You’ll either accept it’s impossible or accept it’s the only way to go forward with this life. Having reasoned with yourself dearly, having weighed every single possible outcome of events that have yet to transpire, you decide this person is yours to hold for as long as your feeble grip can bear.

Having denied love for myself and another for the majority of my existence, I’m now wrestling with the fact that I may have been wrong my entire life.

So go grab yourself a bag of love and be prepared to arm yourself to the fucking teeth and enter into combat with it, until despair or desire overcomes you in a terrifyingly excellent wave.


Eddie Mitchel