“I’m the devil. I don’t have the ability to love anymore.”

I’ve met guys who have said that to me before in my younger days and of course it only made me want them more. Oh, the forbidden fruit! I always knew in the back of my head it was just bullshit they were telling me to get me interested in them, which really made things fun…

Uh, yeah, no. It’s a real thing. I get it now.

When everything is said and done I am still a woman though, so I absolutely know some guy will hook me at some point and I’ll fall in love again and I’ll want to die but such is life. I actually just met this guy recently who is amazing so I can’t wait to see what fucking horrible nightmare unfolds there. I’m thankfully already fully prepared and trained for this shit so BRING. IT. ON.

Anyway, here are just a few situations of people I’ve loved that I betrayed as they were betraying me. There’s more, but three’s enough for now.

Love Situation #1: Will You Marry Me?

I met Preston at university (that’s how you say it here, right?). We met at work and we fell for each other fast and hard. He was my first real sexual relationship after losing my virginity to a literal stranger the previous semester in a drunken stupor. Like, seriously, I have no idea who I lost my virginity to. Probably the root cause of my issues? Whatever. Anyway, after that I just kind of went around blowing dudes in various art sculptures around campus. Ok, it was just the one. Absolutely worth it. Anyway, back to Preston, we did not hold back on our PDA all over campus, at work, in front of our roommates. We did not give a shit. I loved it. However, the first red flag was probably during the first or second time we were having sex and he asked me if I’d marry him. During sex. Uh, yeah Preston, keep fucking me like this and you don’t even have to get a ring. That’s what I thought at the time. However a little later I was like, um, this seems strange. Especially as we were actively fucking he started talking about how we wouldn’t even need to finish college and something, something, something about getting a place together and I don’t even know, the sex was fucking amazing I just tuned him out, like why are you talking so much?

So how did that relationship end? Well, I think he genuinely was looking for someone to drop out of college with him and have children and spiral down into white trash obscurity. He actually identified the perfect young lass to accomplish that with while we were still dating and I could tell he was losing interest in me so I went out with a bunch of friends one night and fucked a guy I went to high school with. Then ran home and told Preston immediately. I was devastated, like I freaked out from guilt and I just couldn’t cope. I went full crazy. He was obviously already fucking the white trash chick that I mentioned previously, so still debatable how broken up about the whole thing he was, but I truly did love him so my life shattered for about 6 months.

Anyway, after all that both Preston and I both finished college without kids. He actually went on to become quite successful and wealthy and married one of my really good friends from high school who are perfect for each other and they don’t have kids and have tons of money and… Yeah I know what you are thinking, that sounds great for him, but look at you, Lauren! Your life is in shambles! Uh, I’m fine. No really I am, all they do is eat and drink and there are other things out there to do right? Have you tried hiking?

Love Situation #2: I Love You Bitch, But Not Like That

I met Katheryn the summer after 5th grade at summer camp. I was new in town and also a mildly socially-inept child. I don’t think you can self-diagnose yourself with autism, but I feel like I am really walking a fine line there.  Anyway, I was the kid at camp sitting in the corner drawing in silence. Katheryn went to private school and was literally wearing a cheerleader outfit so I just assumed she was a popular kid and when she wanted to be my friend I was like that sounds cool to me. That previous school year I was new at my school and I had approached the popular girls and just flat out asked them if they wanted to be my friend, because why wouldn’t you do that? Oh, because that is what weird kids do and they were not interested and that is how I secured my spot as a dork for life.

Anyway, Katheryn and I grew up together and she’s really the only girl I ever did anything with really, and that is barely worth mentioning because we didn’t even really do anything other than like feel each other up a tiny bit. But she’s also the reason that I figured out pretty early the whole gay straight thing. I absolutely loved her as one of my very dearest friends no doubt, but in a completely non-sexual way and I don’t think we are on the same page entirely, which is totally cool, but seriously, no thank you. So as we got older I  wanted to drift apart and maybe take our friendship down a notch, which is hard to say to someone who has been your friend for so many years. We were also roommates and at a certain point I felt too smothered, like she was a little too concerned about my life, and that did not jive well with me.

Well guess what? She ended up getting together with this fucking dude that can only be described as the ying to my yang, if ying and yang were in a death battle. And by death battle I absolutely mean I love(d) this kid (he’s my age but even more immature than me) so deeply that it shook me right to the core. Never have I felt a love like that and I hope to everything holy that I never do again (I’ll talk about him in the next and final numbered love situation).

Anyway, my childhood best friend ending up with the one guy I every TRULY felt love for. Pretty fucked up, right?

I don’t even know. What I do know is that neither one will ever get the type of love they want and need from me, so I am genuinely happy they found each other and can fulfill that with each other. I absolutely understand how a normal person should react to this situation but the bottom line is that I am just glad I don’t have to deal with either one of them.

Love Situation #3: Brother Clone

I first met Trey at a film festival. Actually, I technically met him on Craigslist when I was trying to cast something for a short film but he invited me to a film festival thing and I met him there for the first time. I have to make sure I mention that this kid is an astounding actor. Like, Oscar-winning. Also an asshole and a pathological liar. I will absolutely admit I am impressed at his ability to get people to believe anything he says. I mean he will literally say the most insane bullshit and I will just watch people buy into it like no questions asked.

Anyway, I’ve never been one to believe in love at first sight, but I nearly had a stroke the first time I saw him. That whole thing about beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Totally true. He was the hottest guy I had ever seen and he’s not that hot. Sorry!

Why did I title this brother clone? Because he told a bunch of people he was my brother and that we were very similar (except I don’t go around talking shit to people). Like how god and the devil are similar. Which one is which? The world may never know. There is much more to this story but I know we both prefer a bit of mystery and also less is truly more in the “off-chance” we run into each other again. As I mentioned above I am really happy for him and I am excited for him to hopefully settle down with my childhood best friend.

I like to think of our time in each others’ lives as a three-act play. Maybe I’ll write it one day.

Act I: I came up into his town and mocked him and his friends to their faces.

Act II: He came up into my town and tried to ruin my life.

Act III: He and my childhood best friend end up together and I am finally free (without resorting to suicide) and if I get invited to the wedding (which at this point would be super-surprising) I hope I find a seriously hot and awesomely fun date to go with me so we can fucking party our faces off so hard.  

Lauren Alexis Wood


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