It was a regular Sunday evening when Mr Bond approached the bar and spewed his order without even making eye contact with the bartender.

“Three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it’s ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?”

“Excuse me?” The annoyed bartender replied.

Bond sighs and repeats his order staring at nothing but his fancy watch.

“Three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it’s ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon-peel. Got it?”

The sassy bartender chuckles and replies. “A shaken martini? I don’t think so, mister.” And he goes on to prepare a normal martini whilst Bond stares in awe.

“There, enjoy.”

Bond takes a sip and starts rambling about how stirring makes the drink oily and other douchey facts. It is at that point when the sassy bartender grabs him by the bowtie and sticks a wine opener up his jugular.

“Hasta la vista baby” he mumbles in his ear as he crooks.

Sassy bartender cleans up, leaving no trace of murder except for the martini he served earlier, now tainted red from the blood.

A lady in a red dress walks in and takes a sip.

“Hmm delicious, what do you call this?” She asks.

“It’s called James Bond Is Dead.”

20ml Vodka
20ml Cocci Rossa
20ml Pinot Noir
20ml Grand Marnier

Pour all ingredients and stir violently.

No more shaken martinis…

The End.

Photo by Socratest @ Ruby’s Dalston, London