Hey everybody. So I’ll tread lightly here, and so many apologies to all you wonderful, strong women if this is awkward, but I reviewed a bunch of feminine hygiene products because I’m super into women’s issues and feminism and I wanted to really get into the shoes of a woman.
Not into her pants, like 99% of men, amIright ladies?! But also that if it’s being offered, DM me.
So, a little about me, well I supported the Him for Her campaign a while back, does anybody remember that? Yep, I retweeted Emma Watson a few times, I’m not afraid to tell you. I’m an active campaigner for equality. Plus a big Harry Potter fan. In a sweet way, not a nerdy fan-boy way. I love the human drama, and the powerful female characters, like Hermione, Emma Thompson, and Hedwig the owl.
So ladies. Why is everybody always on your case about your bodies, huh?
Leave us alone! I mean, you alone, leave you alone. Sometimes I forget I’m not a woman myself, I’m so into women’s stuff. Let us simply apply our feminine hygiene products and go about our female business without commentary, you patriarchal brutes!
No, I don’t want to get yelled at in the street!
No, I don’t want to make less money than my male contemporaries!
Hell no, I don’t want to use substandard hygiene products, and I would love it if some progressive, intelligent, GSOH man would recognise that/review some!
DM me if you support women and their right to go unmolested by other men.
“Some advice to hygiene-product corporations–if you have problems with engorgement (of your tampons), make sure you have that GSOH to fall back on.”
I went to Superdrug and pushed my arm along one of the shelves, scooping a bunch of products with pictures of happy, carefree women into my cart, wishing I was with a few of them… to offer my messages of support. Actually, some of the pictures were of underwear and that whole area, but I didn’t get too fixated on that—refreshing, eh birds? Me, a man, equally as interested in the pictures of women ice-skating (as if finally free from oppression and inequality) and the photos of shaved armpits (not in a sexual way though, I promise I’m almost completely harmless, and I’ll do anything you want me to but I have no secret freaky desires to impose on you—DM me) as the pictures of the magic area itself.
I was actually disappointed there were no pictures of boobs on any of the boxes. It doesn’t seem right to go straight for the vagina without paying attention to the boobs. Probably all the male ad executives fixating on the pussy while getting paid more than their female colleagues, who only want to show ice-skating and armpits and wholesome things that real women are into.
Anyway, I picked products in the following categories: antiperspirant, vaginal washes and wipes, medicated vag creams, panty-liners and tammies. I also picked up something called a ‘Reusable Silicone Menstrual Cup’, but I keep that in the kitchen and use it to measure shots. I love a Bloody Mary on a Sunday morning. Any gals out there like a man to make them a Bloody Mary on a lazy Sunday? DM me. So, REVIEWS!
To be frank, the women I want to date are going to need these, because I like an unshaved pit, aesthetically and also as a sign of a liberation from patriarchal beauty standards.
They smell better than the men’s ones. So I’ll be using female antiperspirants from now on. I have no idea if they work or not, time will tell. Why not DM me in a week or two and I’ll give you the results? Or maybe send me a snap or two of you and your friends using your favourite antiperspirant? It can be as graphic as you like, no pressure.
I would recommend the Biotherm kind because it’s literally five times the price of the rest, and therefore it must be really good and it feels like a treat for my pits, an often neglected area that I find quite beautiful but definitely do not have a weird thing for.
2. Vaginal washes and wipes
I mean, I did the best I could. I used these on my asshole and can confirm they do the trick. I felt fresh as a daisy and able to go on a trampoline with confidence. The wipes are also good for getting rid of the dust and hair that accumulates at the edges of the bathroom floor where the tile joins the floorboards.
I guess I like the Aleva ones best because they have bamboo in them somehow, and I love pandas. I’m often told I’m sweet and cuddly like a panda. I can DM you a pic if you like, let me know.
Anyway, all the ones I tested were completely fine. I recommend freshening up with one after your latest scientific discovery/successful boardroom presentation/giving birth.
3. Medicated vagina creams of various sorts
I mean, what was I thinking getting these? I tasted them, and they’re all pretty revolting. Avoid. Consult your doctor if you have any weird shit going on downstairs.
4. Panty Liners.
I had three brands of these to choose from: Always, Carefree and Natracare. The packaging of the Always was surprisingly masculine and the size was huge—the pack size, not the product size. Do they come in different sizes like that? Maybe I could do a follow-up report on that? DM me. The Carefree brand was lurid pink and gave me nausea. The Natracare pack had daisies on it, and its USP seemed to be that the liners are organic and ridiculously expensive. Middle-class suburban goddesses take note!
I’ve seen the ads where they pipette blue liquid onto these to test their absorbency, but the only blue liquid I had was bleach, and I hate the smell. So I used Campbell’s Tomato Soup. I dumped a can on each towel and to be honest, it was a bloodbath. Natracare floated better than the other two, but seriously, none of these was able to handle the volume of soup I used. A poor show. For shame, panty-liner manufacturers: you are not catering to the needs of women well enough. Not like I would.
Women, I might suggest tampons instead, stop the flow at its source. The source of life itself, amIright? Goddesses.
For this test, I had two brands: Tampax and Playtex. What’s with the “x”s guys? Like “x marks the spot”? Yeah, I think ladies know where to put them!
There is an instructional leaflet if you don’t. I had a look at it and was disappointed to find it was merely a crude cartoon. Come on tampon-makers, how about full colour, high-definition image, so there’s no confusion?
I did not personally have anywhere to put these (excuse me, I know what you’re thinking but no thank you!), but I remembered that there is a leak in my gutter over the garage door, so I thought I would see which of these brands plugged the hole best.
Unfortunately, the hole was too small. Hello? Vaginismus is a real condition, stupid idiot men! So I taped a tampon from each box underneath the hole and waited several days for it to rain.
They both did the same job. They got all swollen and big and then the tape must have stopped being sticky and they fell to the floor. I picked them up by the string and disposed of them, and wished I myself was a woman for a little bit because women are amazing, every single one of them, even the absolutely awful ones.
I recommend both of these brands. The tampons had more than trebled in size—quite an accomplishment for any product, I think. No matter what anybody says, engorgement is not always straightforward and is hampered by any number of factors, physical or psychological. Some advice to hygiene-product corporations–if you have problems with engorgement (of your tampons), make sure you have that GSOH to fall back on.
I conclude that women are amazing. I realise that this wasn’t an especially comprehensive review, but I was out of my depth here and I tried, and that’s got to count for something, right? Like, enough to add ‘Consultant on Feminist Issues’ on my Twitter and LinkedIn profiles? And surely enough to convince women that I’m not a dangerous, armpit-obsessed maniac, no?
I hope this has been helpful to you, my audience, women, of any colour, age, size or ability. (I prefer Asians, but seriously, anyone). Thanks for reading, and DM me if this article influenced a purchase you made, or if you would like me to purchase your dinner. Boy, do I love Asian food, for example. And don’t forget those armpit shots.