Hi there! Are you single? Me too.

The WORST, right? Especially as we head into the long, cold, dark, barren winter months ahead. Uh, who wants to cuddle with me?

No one!


Well, I try not to get too bummed out about it. I also try to take some action occasionally to try to better the situation.

I’ve tried the online dating thing:

Excuse me Bumble, I don’t really like your tone. Are you calling me retarded?

Sorry, sorry… the Hard R. Not appropriate. I know. Probably why I’m single…

Honestly, the last person I talked to on there I ended up wanting to talk about a possible employment situation versus dating so I mean, maybe Bumble is right?

Well, much to my surprise, yesterday I got a call out of the blue from a ‘National Matchmaking Service’ that had matched me up with one of their clients and felt we’d be the perfect match.

They had gotten my information from a database within their network of matchmaking services of which I truly have no recollection of ever joining. I know I looked into that one with the millionaires looking for sugar babies once but I’m both too fat and too low maintenance, plus I forgot my password.

Anyway, here’s the website of the one that called me yesterday:

Now I am absolutely not saying that this website looks exactly like one of those fake websites from “US News” going on and on about Açaí Berry that used to be circulating around a few years ago, but this website looks exactly like one of those fake websites from “US News” going on and on about Açaí Berry that used to be circulating around a few years ago.

Well, being that I am LITERALLY ALWAYS up for adventure (Life Hack: Have some perimeters set for this or you’re going to get yourself into some real jams!), I had the full conversation with the lady and told her everything about myself (fairly superficially at least), and everything I was sort of maybe looking for in a guy (which in reality boils down to basically no real definable or set qualifications other than reasons I’ll just make up on the fly depending on the situation which will allow me to simply get myself out of anything even remotely uncomfortable. Life. Is. Too. Short!).

Well, she proceeded to tell me the “perfect match” for me had been located in thier system. He was a 6’4” gentleman (LOL, because I’m so tall, get it?!?! ?) and then just repeated all the stuff I had basically just told her about me. She then sent me a photo of a malnourished man from a rural town in Iowa that I’m not sure actually exists. When I told her I probably wasn’t interested this time around she definitely let me know that I was wrong for not having an open mind and that beggars definitely can’t be choosers in the most professional way possible.

Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch… YOU called ME!

Don’t come at me as an Internet stranger out of the blue pitching me the next potential John Wayne Gacey situation for all I know! I mean good goddamn!

How ? Did ? You ? Get ? My ? Information ? For ? Real ?

Anyway she asked for a headshot and full body photo to add to her database so I sent her the following absolute best representations of my true muppet-looking, bat shit insane, utterly impossible and unreasonable true self to add to her database:

Do you see the crazy in those eyes? Oh, it’s there. BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU IT IS THERE!

I look forward to her next pick. Maybe a small animal taxidermist from Dubuque or a recently-transitioned she male from Keokuk or an aspiring yodler from Council Bluffs.

I love my life.

Lauren Alexis Wood


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