Oh, Christ. It’s September. That means back to school and to stay awake all night studying instead of drinking like you did all summer.

Psyche! Obviously, it’s time to drink even more.

Why?

Because batten down the hatches blokes, it’s time for American exchange students to invade your shores, schools, and eating establishments whilst they take a semester to study abroad.

Learning an actual foreign language or being exposed to a culture that is slightly TOO different is absolutely out of the question, so here they come to London town because look how cute the red buses are.

“In England, everyone is polite and just totally like me and my friends back home but like totally cuter because of their accents. Like, isn’t literally every pub like the most historical place ever?! I’m gonna spend the night in a castle. Harry Potter is real life!”

Here’s the deal. These people are not only annoying as fuck but…

They. Can. Not. Drink.

Real drinkers in America are frowned upon because our “culture” doesn’t appreciate what it means to kick back and have a good time. These exchange students you are about to meet are likely to show up at the pub ready for their first actual beer.

Two Bud Lites at your parent’s wedding anniversary party isn’t drinking.  

They don’t know anything about your ABV tax. They don’t know their “limits”. It’s up to you to show them. When they return home maybe one or two of them will die of alcohol poisoning, and then we won’t have to listen to them explain what classification of sports football actually is in the British accent they picked up after being in London for 48 hours.

Oh. And they all LOVE British humour.

“OMG! I love Monty Python!!  ‘Every sperm is sacred!’ Get it?! Blasphemy! They are so sarcastic, lols!”

GOD DAMMIT. It was because Henry the 8th hated his fucking wives past a certain age!

Anyway, if there is any possible way you all could perhaps get through to these kids – in a way that they might actually comprehend – the meanings of both sarcasm and irony, all will not be for naught.  

Thank you, and have a great semester at uni!

Lauren Alexis Wood

@laurenalexswood