I tried to eat like a normal person over the weekend

I work out religiously. It seriously is part of my everyday thing but today as I was running across the Arsenal Bridge the thought of throwing myself into the Lock and Dam crossed my mind a little more than usual.

When I was in my 20’s I could just not eat, do an assortment pill, drink only vodka, and I had the body of a slightly chubby but adorable angel.

Now I have to not eat, sleep strategically, work out like a maniac, drink only water because every beer is at least 5 pounds (thank god PBR is essentially water), and did I fucking mention work out like an insane person? All to just look like this?

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MEDIOCRE. AT. BEST.

I actually really enjoy working out too, but even I feel like this is way too much effort to be putting into it.

I did go through a phase a few times over the course of my life where I gained just a fuck ton of weight for an assortment of reasons but I know now not to go that extreme with it.

Can it be a thing that somewhere between age 35 and 40 you can just tap out and everything and everyone is just ok with that including yourself? I don’t need to become TLC Special-fat again but just to not have to run 4 miles a day and eat only salad would be kind of nice.

Well, I wanted to test my “theory” this weekend, just to see how I might adapt to this new potential lifestyle if it was a thing to be suddenly OK with. I didn’t work out like I usually do, and I ate like a regular person. Like just actual meals made up of awesome-tasting food and really lived it up culinarily-speaking and also really enjoyed just kind of laying around.

“You know how people talk about getting a runner’s high? That’s a real thing, seriously, and it’s great.”

The results of my experiment?

Yeah. Not for me. I feel like fucking shit. I need a juice cleanse and to start training for a marathon at this exact moment. I feel like I ate a bag of razor blades and broken glass.

Who knew that the simple and innocent childhood treasure that is macaroni and cheese turns into a pitch-black adult nightmare when your body isn’t properly conditioned to that shit. I swear to you people I had like 4 regular full-size American meals this weekend and I promise you I have full-blown type 2 diabetes again. Like, FULLY.

Also, you know how people talk about getting a runner’s high? That’s a real thing, seriously, and it’s great. It takes a while to work up to that though. And for as long as it takes to get yourself to where you run to get high you seriously lose that ability in the blink of an eye. I went for my regular run today and stopped halfway through to write this set and then sat for some time on a concrete wall to seriously consider calling an Uber to take me the rest of the way back home.

So yeah. I am just going to shut the fuck up, stop whining, and keep at the “insane” lifestyle that makes me feel amazing all of the time. Hopefully, I’ll blow out a knee or get hit by a car sooner than later and then I can take a breather.

Until then, thank god for my raging alcoholism to give my healthy choices a balance.

Lauren Alexis Wood

@laurenalexswood

More of her weight loss stories here