It’s county fair season, and there’s no better way to make summer memories than riding puke machines assembled by disgruntled carnies.

Since you’ve made the choice to die, why not end your journey with these fun carnival tips?!


  • Before you take your seat on the Zipper, look the ride carnie in the face and say, “I don’t feel very good!” while painfully grabbing your stomach.
  • When you’re playing a target practice game, make people nervous around you every time you fire the toy rifle by yelling, “take THAT, Mr. President!”
  • Whenever a little kid starts crying during the magic show, join him.
  • Pass out in a 4-H stable.
  • Make the same “exchanging insurance” joke on the bumper cars like 40 times.
  • Pour Red Bull into the dunk tank.
  • When receiving your food order, look at it and say, “I thought this was DEEP fried!”
  • Smoke pot on top of the Ferris Wheel.
  • Leave.

Eric Cuevas