Drinking at the airport

I’m sick of pretending that drinking at the airport is only to kill time.

There’s a reason they ask you to be 3 hours early, drinking is part of the experience, sit at the bar, order a Guinness and ask people where the fuck they are flying to.

No wheels

Guys, do you know the message you are sending out to the world with these wheelie luggage? You are telling the world: I give up, I can’t compete in normal society, I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable. Wheelies are the equivalent of walking around in sweatpants.

No outside food

Aeroplane food is not plain and horrible by random, it was designed this way by the same engineers as the plane itself; the odour particles in aeroplane food have been meticulously measured to keep everyone from puking their guts out. Think about it, we are already travelling at 700 km/h through turbulence, add gherkins to the equation and the plane will come alive and shit everyone’s luggage into the ocean.

No jammies

This is not a slumber party, dress properly, have some respect for the miracle of science you are on. You are like those people in Canada Goose coats who don’t like being uncomfortable even by 1 degree, ever.

Mind your reclining

If the seat behind you is empty or there’s a child or a midget then you are golden, otherwise, you need to look behind you first. If they have reclined, then you may recline. You don’t back up your car without looking back, do you? Didn’t think so. Also, if you don’t recline it’s not the end of the world. Personally, those extra 20 degrees of comfort do absolutely nothing for me.

The air hostesses are cops and you are in their magic country

Delta’s air hostesses are like cops who’ve had a bad day for a year, but even they have to be obeyed. You are on a 20-tonne piece of flying metal, if the cops want you out of their magic cylinder for any reason, you must comply like a bitch. Flying is a privilege, not a right.

That fucking neck pillow

Neck pillows are the selfie-sticks of flying. You are pretty much walking around with a stuffed croissant for your neck’s haemorrhoids, very sexy.

The moving walkway

100% of people who miss their flight is because they stand on the moving walkway. “It’s not a fucking ride, do your legs work at all!?” – Jerry Seinfeld

Daniel Corrochio