Oh, glorious summer. It’s time for America to send their biggest and brightest to visit the UK and its’ shimmering isles.

Shimmering from the wetness of the rain.

“I didn’t think it would rain this much!”

Perhaps do some prior research next time there, jet-setter!

I Googled British slang terms prior to writing this and really latched on to the term ‘minger’.

Why?

Because I am an American minger. I’m slowly but surely recovering though, by the grace of the good lord himself!

A minger, as you’re aware, can be classified as an ugly, unpleasant, or smelly thing.

Well my little cutie pies, I was all three. You see, I force-fed myself Americas finest cuisine (McDonald’s and Pizza Hut were my preference) then grabbed my trusty seatbelt extender to take the hop across the pond for two summers in a row to visit your beautiful countryside and London. I also really had to hustle to make it through customs in time during a layover. But it was worth it because I was mere hours away from hot guys in glasses with accents and brightly-coloured modes of public transportation I could endlessly selfie on.

“Was Brexit because you felt sorry for how stupid we are?”

Did I obsess over the Underground Logo like American athletes would tattoo the Nike Swoosh under the corner of their eye like a teardrop if it meant more money for less work?

Absolutely.

Is a logo simply a graphical representation of a product or service in which the attention should be given to that product or service and not just the fucking logo?

Yes.

Welcome to America!

BFI IMAX advert in Waterloo. Feb 2018.
Image source: WeRSM.com

 

We don’t give a rat’s fuck what you have to offer, if your logo looks cool under a distressed Instagram filter and we can print it on a t-shirt and sell it to one another, FUCK YEAH STIMULATE THAT ECONOMY.

Unless you are a band or artist then you fucking deserve every penny from the sales of your merchandise and I just wish you’d mark your shit up even more because if people want to support you they should put their goddamn money where their mouth is. You are entertaining them for free, what fucking more do these people want. Oh, cool shirts. Yeah. You got it!

Anyway, could you literally make any item imaginable, put a cute corporate logo on it, and then sell it to the average American at a markup?

A thousand times yaaaaaaaassss!

Get a distribution deal with WalMart for best results depending on your cost of production! #heychinahey

Was Brexit because you felt sorry for how stupid we are?

Wait, what?

Ok, so back to my minging. Did I pick up an accent even though I was there not even 10 days? Yes. Did I take the most awkward and uncomfortable pictures with the extremely talented and patient actors at your various amazing tourist spots? I did, and I am sorry for that. Who is the most patient and talented person on the face of the planet? The person at the Tower of London who gets the privilege of talking about the crows. I was actually really into that part of the tour. The people and annoyances you have to deal with in your little corner of the world surely cannot be topped.

Well, they actually absolutely can, across the pond, in America.

Do we come over there in droves with absolutely no real understanding of your culture, literature, history, nor respect for your humour? Yeah! Also, if you’ll remember, we used to be you but we are doing our own thing now and we are ROCKING IT.

I just want to “break the 4th wall” here and say how refreshing it is to write to an audience that understands very blatant sarcasm.

Anyway, back to America. We do that disrespect thing to EVERYONE in EVERY OTHER COUNTRY and it is REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING AND STUPID. We also do it to many of our very own citizens and it’s pretty upsetting.

Anyway, as a recovering American Minger I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking in my fellow comrades so that during the summer months back here in America those of us that maybe prefer things a little more low-key can enjoy the beauty of our country without the annoyances of what I’ve previously mentioned above.

My one suggestion: PLEASE get some better airfare deals because Appalachia is gorgeous this time of year but the familial relations and results of that in that particular area (among others) are really concerning to those who wish to visit. Perhaps you’d all have a banger with some of those folks in showing them Mother Shipton’s Cave!

Lauren Alexis Wood

@laurenalexswood