My mum has more testosterone than me. This is evidenced when I hear her effin’ and blindin’ downstairs in her bedroom when she is angrily engrossed in another multiplayer session of Call of Duty.

Yes, my mum plays Call of Duty!


She has her own PS4, and in-between housework, cooking, and generally being a whiny nagging bitch, she can be found with a headset on, cursing the shit out of those “fucking campers” on COD. You know, those no-good stinking players are known for staying in one spot for the whole match and refusing to move, before blowing your head off with a single bullet from a sniper rifle.

Fucking cheating bastards!

We are your modern-day gaming family. Everyone owns their own console and can normally be found hibernating in their respective rooms, eyes firmly fixated on their HD TV, lying in their own excrement. We do not speak with one another, and the only form of communication is done via Xbox Live Messenger; probably with a bunch of obscenity thrown in for good measure.

“I was a gay gamer in a cisgender heterosexual gamer’s world way before being gay was considered even remotely cool.”

I have been playing video games for as long as I can remember. My earliest memory of being a gamer was while I was living rent-free in my mum’s post-adolescent impregnated womb, and I mistakenly thought my umbilical cord was my NES controller lead. While school friends were getting drunk, getting laid, and exchanging STDs with one another like they were swapping POGS in the playground (remember POGS!?), I was at home playing Final Fantasy VII – whacking my big sword around as Cloud. Probably uttering some kind of foul obscenity at the pre-HD TV, too.

I was your typical hormonal and socially awkward, angry video game nerd – with bad skin and an equally bad attitude. Although, not to be confused with, or sued for copyright infringement by, the actual Angry Video Game Nerd, James Rolfe – the short-tempered and foul-mouthed video game fanatic who, in his uncannily accurate and relatable web series, delivers commentary on retro games that he considers to be shit.

“I cannot see the correlation between you killing a homicidal maniac on Resident Evil and whether or not someone likes to take it up the ass.”

Just like the Angry Video Game Nerd, I was a loser in real life but I couldn’t stand being even more of a loser in the video game world. Actual toothmarks were permanently engraved in my games controllers from the number of times I would bite them out of sheer fucking frustration. With the amount of plastic I bit and had in my mouth, it’s surprising I didn’t need braces.

Little did I know that in my post-eighteen life, plastic would soon be replaced with throbbing cock. Yes, not only did I have to contend with being a sexually-frustrated video games nerd with anger issues, but I also had to deal with being an emotionally unstable homosexual who was yet to come out of the closet.

I was a gay gamer in a cisgender heterosexual gamer’s world way before being gay was considered even remotely cool – or even before Birdo, the Mario character who first appeared in Super Mario Bros 2, was outed as an actual tranny. This was years before RuPaul’s Drag Race, so being a chick with a dick was not the fad it is today.

In our current seventy-two-gendered society, it is not uncommon to see two male characters virtually fuck on screen. Take Bioware’s visceral RPG series Dragon Age. In the game, depending on the gender of your main character, you can initiate a homosexual relationship with a couple of people. If you are a male character, for instance, you can choose to begin a relationship with Zevran. He is a kinky and slightly flamboyant elf assassin who is a dab hand at both being a fuck boy and at brutally murdering people.

(I always thought that Zevran was fucking fit as FUCK! We always fall for the bad-boys, right!?)

Not all gamers, however, are appreciative of their gaymer counterparts. This is testified by the number of times “gay”, and other such derogatory slurs relating to sexual orientation, are used by the (mostly) straight male gaming community while playing online games. Personally, I cannot see the correlation between you killing a homicidal maniac on Resident Evil and whether or not someone likes to take it up the ass.

But in regards to the visibility of LGBTQ+ characters, and without wanting to sound like a complete and utter left-wing wank stain, it’s about time that gay men and women had the opportunity to play as characters to whom they could really relate. It’s about time that heroes and heroines could be gay men and women, and it’s about time that homosexuals in video games were not just portrayed as stereotypes. I applaud developers who are stepping outside of the status quo and making gaming even more exciting for a frequently marginalized subset of gamers.

Now, I just want Link to undress out of that green tunic and penetrate me with his wooden bow, alright?

Michael Lee


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