Diary of a Tiny Adult Man with an iPhone X and a Range Rover

That’s right, look at me everybody. I’m here! I’m better than you! Know it. Take it in! You were born worse than me. Whereas I have every natural advantage, you have few.

I’ll give you some examples: look at my expensive sunglasses and my big, new vehicle. It’s a Range Rover, and I think it demonstrates a lot about me, its owner. Only 48 months of payments and then a one-off settlement. Free AA. Look at the size of it! I can see over all your average cars and see the traffic right at the top of the road.

“My mate Jamal just said something hilarious! That’s why I’m shaking my hand in the air like I can’t believe he just said it, and I’m looking over at you. He didn’t say it to you, did he? Ah, he is SO funny!”

I’m virile. I have a few offspring and could have more if I choose to. I used to box. I could have been good, they always said. If it wasn’t for my back.

My size isn’t an issue for me. What’s an average height, anyway? It’s going to be different in China, isn’t it? I might well be above-average height if I lived there. It’s no good for boxing, being tall, I’ll tell you that. Mike Tyson wasn’t big. He was ferocious. I bet he drives a Range Rover.

You have no idea of all the things I achieved when I was younger before you first saw me on the school run. You can get some indication though, surely? Look at the Range Rover. Look at the diamond stud earring, the sunglasses.

I would definitely tell you about all my achievements if we ever had the opportunity to speak: the sporting triumphs; how I used to have a gang; the famous people who know and respect me. I went to school with the drummer from Adam and the Ants. One of them, anyway – I think there were a few. And do you know Jason Dean? He’s a pretty famous gangster round our way. I know him. Really well. We’re like brothers. You don’t want to mess with him. He’s got men who work for him who’ll hurt you. They’ve killed somebody.

I notice you walk to pick your child up from school. Fucking loser. What’s wrong, can’t afford a Range Rover? Too embarrassed by your car? Maybe you can’t even drive? I’m always in the car, chatting to my mates on the iPhone. I queued up the morning they came out, bought three: one for the missus and a backup. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with your phone in your hand. What’s the matter, not got an iPhone? Not got any friends to talk to?

Why don’t you look at me when I see you going in the school gates? You scared of me? Fucking coward. I notice you talk to all the other parents. I see you laughing with them, pretending I’m not over here. I know it’s an act. To make it seem like you don’t care that I’m more successful than you.

I’m a thriving local businessman. I’ve got the kebab place next to the charity shop, do you know it? My parents own it. What do you do? Are you one of those losers that look after your kids even though you’re a bloke? Is that what you are, a househusband? Can’t make it in the real world so you stay home? If your wife wants a real man, she knows where to find me. Al’s Kebabs, next to the charity shop.

I’m a big deal in this town. Do you know who I am? We’ve been here for three generations. I remember this place from before it was on the tube line. I don’t remember seeing you at a local school. Do you think you’re better than me because you’re from somewhere else? You don’t belong here.

Why won’t you look at me? LOOK AT ME! Look what a great time I’m having talking on my phone, laughing with one of my friends while I wait for the boy to come out. My mate Jamal just said something hilarious! That’s why I’m shaking my hand in the air like I can’t believe he just said it, and I’m looking over at you. He didn’t say it to you, did he? Ah, he is SO funny!

Yeah, that’s it, talk away to all the mothers and the other whipped men who are always there for pick-up. Walk home to whatever shit house you live in. Go be a fucking househusband or whatever it is you do. One of these days you’ll see me, you’ll see my leather jacket, my expensive jeans, my jewellery, my Range Rover, and you’ll feel so small. Because you’ll know I’m a winner, and you’re nothing.

Come on, Justin, let’s go. No, come on, don’t dawdle, I want to get home. Shut-up a minute, I’m on the phone with Jamal. Your iPad’s in the car, you can play it on the way back. Look, shut up and get in the motor, will you, I’m on the phone. Come on, I’m on the zig-zags outside the gate, I’ll get done if a warden comes. Look, don’t give me any lip, son, just get in the fucking car. Let’s go. That geezer over there is starting to piss me right off.

Simon Pinkerton

@Simon Pinkerton