1

Professor Butts, having relocated to the Middle East to avoid the humidity, trips head-first into a palm tree and hiccoughs out the following invention for achieving Israeli-Palestinian accords:

The Islamic day ends at sunset. The Jewish day begins at sunset. At sunset, they pass each other at great speed ( v = circumference of earth ÷ 24 hours ) and the resulting friction twists dial (A). Dial (A) is attached to latch on the door of the terrarium (B), which houses super-intelligent bookworm (C), raised from birth in the Library of Congress on nothing but textbooks of history and political science.

The worm (C), who hasn’t eaten in a week, leaps into the map and burrows its way through, drawing and labelling novel yet universally-acceptable borders (D) and, on the way, tripping switch (E). Switch (E) simultaneously activates video camera (F) and powerful magnets (G) attached to cufflinks on sleeves of Obstinate Diplomats (H & I), thus pulling them into Televised Hug (J).

By replacing the map with a map of a different region or with a children’s book of mazes, the device can then be put to further use solving all manner of other problems.

2

Professor Butts attends a fireworks celebration for the Fourth of July, accidentally catches his coattail on the nose of a jumbo rocket, and, in free-fall, signals via semaphore the following scheme to combat climate change:

Mercury (A) breaks through top of thermometer due to heat and lands on beaver (B), causing beaver to go mad as a hatter as a result of mercury poisoning and chew through scaffolding (C) clearly labelled ‘do not chew through.’ (Beaver is Canadian, and thus under normal circumstances would never disobey printed signage.) Scaffolding (C) is the mooring to dirigible (D), which is released into the sky. Dirigible (D) is filled with ozone.

When at the appropriate height, barometer (E) triggers pump (F) to empty gasbag of ozone into the atmosphere, while simultaneously pump (F) fills the gasbag back up with greenhouse gases, which can later be distributed pro bono to various local greenhouses.

At this altitude, the sun’s rays (G) fall on lens (H) and are focused onto fuse (I), lighting it. Fuse ignites three-stage Saturn-series NASA craft (J) on cargo hitch of small dirigible. After a few years, rocket (J) reaches the Sun (K) and deploys payload (L). Payload (L), a giant pair of cartoon sunglasses, lands on the Sun, filtering out 15% of infrared radiation in the direction of Earth.

The device has the further benefit of retroactively making 80% of Microsoft clipart 95% more accurate.

3

Professor Butts accepts an honorary degree at the convocation of the Electoral College, and, as they start to play the music to usher him offstage, he sings out in the key of B sharp major the following method of selecting candidates for public office:

Votes (A) are cast in states (B) and then counted.

Daniel Galef

@DanielGalef

 

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