Is it just me or is there a retarded amount of importance being placed on high cuisine and the wacky shit people in foreign lands eat?

Don’t get me wrong: food is great, and knowing how to sustain yourself on a somewhat balanced diet is important, but some assholes seem to be going a little overboard with this crap.

Maybe it’s where I live (SF) or the industry I’ve been working in for most of my life but every other motherfucker seems to think they’re the next Swedish Chef from Sesame Street. Having five-star chefs walking around everywhere, giving you tips, introducing you to yummy treats or things you otherwise wouldn’t dare eat may not sound too awful. But when they don’t actually know what the fuck they’re talking about and really only enjoy making people feel like idiots, it can get kinda shitty. Especially when they end up ruining the foods you already love.

“Getting shit for eating a corn dog just because you’re not at a fair or a NASCAR race is total bullshit.”

Illustration by Stuart Kim

That’s the real problem with these “foodie” assholes, besides the retarded name they’ve decided to adopt, they all somehow got it in their heads that they’re the go-to expert on everything dealing with food. Now, this may not be too big of a deal if it’s just a buddy who goes out to dinner for every meal, giving restaurant recommendations. But having a pal, who only watches the Food Network, interrupting and criticizing every move you make in the kitchen when you’re trying to cook them dinner is like listening to someone who only watches Ancient Aliens explain climate change. They may have picked up a few good recipes or tricks here and there but they aren’t professional cooks by any stretch of the imagination. Nor are they world-renowned food critics, and putting up with their suggestions or criticisms whenever there’s food around can drive a person nuts.

“One thing is for certain, they know how to flip the fuck out better than anyone else.”

There’s obviously some foods out there that people deserve to get shit for eating. Seeing a guy cram a pickled egg in his face while trying to earn his millions on scratchers at the liquor store can be a pretty big bummer. It can also fuck up your day when a coworker decides to bring a tuna melt for lunch and then you have to deal with their atrocious breath till the end of your shift. Getting shit for eating a corn dog just because you’re not at a fair or a NASCAR race is total bullshit, though.

If there were anyone I’d actually listen to about what I should and shouldn’t eat, it would be a dietitian or professional chef. But dietitians only eat salads and chefs tend to be the biggest assholes around.

Anyone who hasn’t worked in a kitchen or seen a show with that prick Gordon Ramsey in it probably thinks construction workers are some of the hardest guys to work with and for. That’s pretty understandable, especially when you consider they’ve gotten the reputation for being rude and crude animals with no respect for women. But if every restaurant allowed their patrons to see and hear what was going on behind the kitchen walls, that perception would change in a hurry.

“Employees don’t leave for better gigs, they quit to get out of the abusive relationship and cure themselves of their PTSD.”

I’m not sure exactly what it is that causes professional cooks to be tremendous twats. Maybe it’s the stress of the job, the power that comes with handling someone else’s food, or the ridiculous hats they’re supposed to wear. One thing is for certain, they know how to flip the fuck out better than anyone else. It’s not just their ability to scream and cause a commotion at the drop of a hat, it’s their ability to do it nonstop. Professional cooks lose their shit and scream at workers so often that kitchens are practically one big revolving door. Employees don’t leave for better gigs, they quit to get out of the abusive relationship and cure themselves of their PTSD. Kids who spent money on culinary school discover their true passion and the people who move up in the business aren’t incredible cooks, they’re the ones who learn how to take a yelling.

Knowing how to cook is an important skill to have, and if you don’t know how then you’re either a baby or one of the assholes who boost the average American’s annual hot dog intake up to 70 a year. That’s great if you want to be a better cook, just don’t act like god’s gift to the culinary world because you watched a YouTube video on how to spice up ramen. And if you go into the profession, try not to act like your abusive father.

John Pittsley

@MithterPitthley