Let’s be honest here, we’ve all stuck something rather obscure up our arse at least one point in our life.

If you are a part of the recent “insertion lifestyle,” fad that is taking the world by the ass (literally) then by now you’ve surely done a little exploring with your fingers, or at the very least, a good old-fashioned cucumber. But with the heaps of butt plugs, vibrators and Donald Trump life-sized hands (have you seen the size of them hands!?) available to insert up your nether regions, there is practically everything any anything available (E.U regulated of course) that one can stick up their bum.

With great power comes even greater reasonability, and not all interestingly angled objects should be positioned in the anus. On the contrary, some objects should be kept as far away from your bum hole as possible.

So, in highlighting the difference between anal beads and bedposts, here are 8 things you should never stick up your ass in under no circumstances.

1 – Take one for the Olympic team

While it may look all nice and shiny and still rather immaculately polished considering it’s over 40 years old, that ching-a-ling gold model which good oi’ brucey won at the Montreal Olympics before he got a surgically altered lady part could actually get trapped inside your anus and prevent you from producing an Olympic sized douche in the future. Caitlyn /Bruce Jenner’s 1976 Olympic Gold medal should be on display proudly for all to see, like the American artefact that it is and not shoved up your ass…FACT!

2 – Tis’ the Season to Have Anal

We know Christmas is all about stuffing Turkey, but we think being probed by a festive decoration is taking the term ‘’Christmas is for giving’’ a little too far. Imagine all those prickly bits getting lodged inside your bum!? We are sure this is not what little baby Jesus had envisioned on the day you should be eating your nan’s cold ham and celebrating his birthday. Pervert!

3 – To Probe or not to Probe

Even though they are far technologically infinitely superior to our E.U regulated wares it seems our extra-terrestrial foreign friends love nothing better than to stick large metal objects up our anus. Why aliens continue to probe the human rectum using proctology instruments dating back to medieval ages remains a mystery. What they are looking for deep within the confines of our ass remains even more questionable. The answers to life and existence maybe!?

4 – Backdoor Book

Overdue library books should be returned immediately and not found inserted in the nether regions of your derriere. Literature should be shared and not shat on. Well, unless it’s Hilary Clinton’s autobiography of course.

5 – Anally Organic

It’s rather self-explanatory as to why you shouldn’t stick fruit up your butt. Think of all those hungry little migrant children from Syria who are paraded and prostituted all over those humanitarian aid commercials that pop up on your TV while you are trying to tuck into your grub. Those little darlings surly would love to munch on a banana, but instead, you are wasting precious food resources by putting it up your bum because you are a kinky bastard.

6 – Anal Akbar

Inserting anything remotely halal up your rectum is not only offensive and culturally sensitive but could land you in a spot of bother with your local neighbourhood sharia patrol.

7 – Dental Diarrhoea

Sticking a toothbrush with Colgate spread on it straight up your bum does not necessarily mean your anus will get the same minty feeling your teeth would have in the fight against plaque. True, your dentist may be impressed that you are taking extra precautions against cavities, but ultimately a toothbrush should be in your mouth and not up in your arse.

8 – Just your Average Sundry Household Object

We know it can be very, very tempting to look into your cupboard, garage, or wherever else and contemplate anal play with whatever items you find, but you should resist all sudden and weird urges to stick assorted objects up your bum. This includes light bulbs, door knobs, and anything else that looks alluring, including your pet hamster.

What have dangerous/ hazardous/inflammable / non-sanitized object you recently stuck up your posterior? Remember, if you are going to stick any kind of object up your bum this year, make sure it’s vegan or at the very least, kosher.

[Disclaimer] – Public House takes no reasonability for what aforementioned objects our readers choose to stick up their anus, including TV remotes and the Teletubbies antennas.

Michael Lee

@MangledMichael