Ten days in this city will make you miss American toilets, television and showers.

However, girls alone will totally make up for getting fingered by TSA agents, seven hours of smelling other people’s farts and the two-day hangover better known as jet lag.

Believe it or not, this is a toilet

PARISIAN GIRLS

Parisian girls crop dust roses and poop bubble gum

Girls in Paris are unique and awesome in every aspect. They smell great when they walk by you, they are always smoking, they are always on the phone, they are always in a hurry looking busy and interesting. They don’t eat and they don’t have any money because they spend it all on clothes and coke, perfection. One pointer: don’t ask them anything in English or you will get a very sexy and polite,”Geuu I cunt spik anglish” and they will walk away.

FRENCH SHOWERS

Showering is a cheese stick in the butt

I hate those hand showers that they have all over Europe. It’s convenient when you run out of toilet paper or when anal goes very, very wrong, but it’s a hassle to stand and wash up with one hand and rinse with the other. I guess that’s why some bathtubs have built-in seats and why Europeans are huge babies.

EVERYTHING WITH FROMAGE

Fromage means cheese and it’s the first word you learn when eating fast food in Paris.

 

Ever wondered what The Thing’s dick looks like?

 

YOU CAN DRINK IN THE STREETS

I found out about this after five days of hiding my beer as carefully as my bald spot. There should be a giant sign at the airport saying something like, “There’s a reason why everything smells like pee! Grab a brewski and piss where you please!” or “Welcome to the world’s biggest pee party”.

ANISE

Frogs really like to drink anise with water. They call it “Richard,” or some bullshit like that. The first sip is bitter and tastes like shit — much like the first time you step into a bar in Paris and surrender to French B.O. But anise is cheap and once you get used to it, you can catch a buzz for close to nothing.

RONALD McNORMAL

Some say going to Micky D’s in Paris is the worst faux pas ever. I say thank God for them Golden Arches. After days of weird looking escargot, extra small cafe cups and melted cheese as a main course, McDonald’s is a smug-free oasis. Plus, their chip mayo is unreal. (Yup, you heard right, you put MAYO on FRIES over there).

ARTSY FARTSY

I caught the Rembrandt exhibit at the Musee du Louvre. The rule seemed to be: No pictures, no drinks, no deodorant. Also, the Mona Lisa was smaller than I imagined but definitely just as ugly.

PERE LACHAISE CEMETERY IS FULL OF FAMOUS DEAD PEOPLE

Oscar Wilde’s tomb is ground zero for oral herpes, meanwhile, Jim Morrison’s dick turned into a tree and everyone writes corny quotes on it.

Oh, and this family was bullied to death:

U.S. GO HOME

The best way to scare muggers in Paris is to hang a dollar bill around your neck. It’s easier to find Space Invader art in that city than a place that will exchange a fucking dollar. Also, never speak English. You are better off speaking Armenian or Chimp. People won’t understand you either way, but at least going with the latter ensures they won’t treat you like a Nazi war criminal.

DC