Picture the scene, you are a tired and delirious survivor of a post-apocalyptic world…

You are cold, lost and starving, boy… you are absolutely starving! But unfortunately for you mate, those days of a cheeky Nandos are but a distant memory as you ferociously nibble on a mouldy ridiculously out of date Tesco Value banana.

How the mighty have well and truly fallen, I always preferred Waitrose myself personally.

I could never be a vegetarian, like ever! Even though I have contemplated the thought of only sticking Broccoli and Brussels sprouts down my throat, the thought of never having a juicy and succulent piece of non-halal meat in my mouth leaves me shivering inside.

I’m told constantly that the health benefits of being a vegetarian certainly far outweigh the negativities, but the taste? Not so much.

The thought of only eating bananas without the mouth-watering taste of kebab and chips after a piss up slowly lingering in my bloated digestive system leaves me feeling a little saddened, like a piece of me has literally died. So that got me thinking, how would I be able to cope as a lone (and starved) survivor in a zombie outbreak?

“Do you think vegetarian zombies would encounter the same discrimination?”

Despite the food depravity, I think it would be rather cool being a lone survivor of a real-life zombie apocalypse, scavenging food and essentials while avoiding the horde of the dead. I actually have a somewhat dark twisted and romantic vision of what being one of the few remaining humans walking a deserted earth would be like. A single beating heart in a soulless ghost town under the blanket of moonlight as the warmth of my makeshift camp keeps my sanity and loneliness from freezing and going numb.

When it comes to the issue of isolation due to being the sole human of an undead society I don’t think loneliness would be a factor, I imagine it as feeling rather freeing and liberating. No social restrictions and social conformity, being so isolated and alone, I mean truly alone where the only sense of company is the breath that leaves your mouth on those cold and piercing evenings as you climb a snow-covered mountain to gather your bearings and asset your surroundings. Is that a horde of Walkers I see slowly heading towards my direction in the distance or just my distorted imagination?

“It will always be brains over broccoli for me.”

Ah yes, Walkers, or Zombies as they are most commonly known as, I actually can relate and identify with those mindless, wandering, lifeless and decaying creatures as they tirelessly and slowly crawl the long and winding road searching for fresh meat. So basically the sight of me on a weekend as I scan the high street scouting for the nearest McDonald’s as I blindly follow the smell of Chicken Nuggets.

Watching those countless back to back episodes of The Walking Dead has taught me the valuable lesson, that the real enemy is, in fact, the living, they stop me on the street begging for spare change, they want me to donate to charity, they walk slowly or stop right in front of me as I angrily rush past them, making sure I make my unhappiness is known with a tut, or an angry sounding huff, that will sure teach them for walking so tediously slow in front of me.

See, I can relate to these poorly misunderstood zombies, all they want is fresh juicy brains, do you think they really want their head squashed in by a selfish human or their body blown or chopped apart as they hungrily search for body parts to devour? Do you think vegetarian zombies would encounter the same discrimination? I highly doubt humans would fear a vegetarian zombie nibbling on a Carrot rather than a torn off limp.

And so back to the original topic at hand, vegetables and vegetarianism, where I have no doubt confirmed that I am indeed a bloodthirsty and angry cannibal that hates society.

Even though I do love peas, potato and broccoli alongside a Sunday roast nothing beat the satisfying and fulfilling quench of desire than the succulent taste of a diabetic ridden large Big Mac meal.

And the moral of the story, if the vision of Jesus appears on the eve of judgment day and offers me a choice of food supplements as a gesture for being a decent law abiding citizen, it will always be brains over broccoli for me, whatever it’s on a mild Sunday afternoon or in the midst of a ravaging zombie apocalypse.

Michael Lee

@MangledMichael