Dear Vin,

My girlfriend (like most girls) is obsessed with Instagram.

I know this isn’t a new thing but now with Instagram Stories, I feel like it’s getting worse and worse. How can we rehabilitate these people from a clear addiction that is taking over our lives?

David (29)
California, US.

Dear David,

Pardon me, but it seems you’ve got balls the size of Stonehenge to even think about how to stop your girlfriend from using Instagram. Not all men are as brave as you. I salute you!

Believe it or not, there is such a thing as addiction to Instagram. I know it sounds stupid, senseless, and outrageous, but it’s true. My friend Dino from the USA sent me this link, and it features a couple of tips by Kendall Jenner on how to bravely conquer a person’s silly addiction to social media sites, particularly Instagram.

First of all, who the fuck is Kendall Jenner anyway? Next, has the human race evolved so poorly that the human brain can’t seem to get a good grasp on reality?

“Stop bickering and start licking.”

I understand why some people like to monitor and post on social media all the time. If there is one thing good about technology, it’s the fact that each and every living person on the planet can open their own social media accounts on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and create so-called ‘scrapbooks’ on the inner goings of their personal, social, and professional lives for all the world to see.

In theory, social media has definitely made communicating easier than we can ever imagine. Do it wrong, however, and it could do you more harm than good.

Some people use social media to broadcast their very own personal suicide attempts (allegedly, some were pretty successful to the huge delight of the audience), or to simply share pictures of the food they eat on a daily basis.

Social media sites gave people a voice (and a gazillion selfies), and it allowed them to stalk the personal lives (and eventually harass or bully) of their favourite Hollywood or political celebrities, which is kinda’ fun when you think about it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with all of this. The fun will eventually continue unless FCC Chairman Ajit Pai, who is the prime example of a colossal douchebag, puts an end to net neutrality in the United States.

Back to the issue at hand. You can either support or worship Ajit Pai so it will be more expensive to access Instagram or the entire Internet for that matter, or you can just man the fuck up and accept the facts.

If your girlfriend is so obsessed with Instagram that she prefers to stay glued to her smartphone instead of cuddling or giving you a blowjob while watching Netflix, then you have a serious problem on your hands.

It’s not as simple as telling the girl to stop browsing on fucking Instagram. It’s like blatantly saying ‘I prefer not to have sex anymore!’ or saying goodbye to Saturday poker with the boys. It will bite you hard, and you won’t be able to do anything about it. Trust me on this.

My advice is to learn the art of cunnilingus. If you’re at least half good, you won’t need to utter a single word. Your girl will put down her phone, grab you by the hair, and moan sweet obscenities as you lick your way towards complete manhood.

It’s all about compromise. If you give her what she wants, you’ll have the freedom to do what you want.

What the fuck are you waiting for? Stop bickering and start licking. You can thank me later.

Vin

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