It’s a well-known fact that certain physical and psychological problems can make it difficult for a man to form a relationship with a female.

They may be shy or they may fear rejection. They could be ugly or they may suffer from body odour so strong that, like an onion, they bring tears to the eyes. In which case they may like to consider necrophilia. This involves having sex with the dead.

The biggest hurdle is to become sexually excited by a corpse. This can be achieved by choosing a particularly attractive female. Youth, good looks and the physical condition of the body are paramount. Always make sure their death wasn’t the result of some severe trauma. Or the result of some infectious disease like Ebola. These things can very easily spoil the relationship.

However, a man may still be reluctant to mount a female who has shuffled off her mortal coil. One counsellor has even suggested starting with your mother. He based this suggestion on Freud’s theory that all boys want to have sex with their mothers. And that this will simply be the fulfilment of a boyhood dream. Needless to say the counsellor added that one should wait until your mother has died and not kill her yourself. The advice is regarded as controversial because there’s always a fear that the man may murder his mother whilst she’s still attractive.

3D Art by Garry Cortez

Once the man has found a sexually attractive corpse he may be reluctant to have sex with it for other reasons. If it’s just a hygiene thing that’s putting the man off then this is easily remedied. It involves nothing more complicated than using a bicycle pump to wash their dead partner’s vagina out with boiling water. That’ll kill any germs in there.

Or perhaps their religion is standing in the way. In which case I would remind them that after death the soul has departed, leaving just a lump of meat in the shape of a former human being. Just think of it as an organic version of one of those latex sex dolls.

The big advantage for someone who is shy or fears rejection is that no dead woman is ever going to turn them down. Trust me on this one. You could be the ugliest or most obnoxious man on earth and she’d STILL be ready for it. And best of all you don’t have to behave yourself. That’s because falling in love with a corpse means never having to say sorry. You can do anything you like to it. A dead woman is open to anything. Especially one that’s had a post mortem.  As for dumping her once the relationship turns sour, (and if you haven’t got a deep freeze that could happen pretty quickly), all you need to do is dig a hole in some spare ground. Then it’s off to the cemetery to pick up another date. But I suggest you go for the fresh ones. Make no bones about it, but fucking a skeleton is no fun. You can soon get rattled. And the decomposing ones will feel like you’re shagging a large and smelly marshmallow.  

Finally, I would advise men who choose to become necrophiliacs to keep their relationships with the opposite sex a secret. Since it became known that Jimmy Saville was one it’s given necrophilia a bad name.

Mike Knowles


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