I’m a chef so I’ve had to survive years of French dudes telling me what to eat and how to eat it, all while taking the hardest blasts of B.O. you could ever imagine (easily beats NYC cab drivers)

— but I have to admit that they gave me lots of good advice that have led to a life of trashed weekends with only minor hangovers.

The idea is to get strong for the weekends you’ll never remember. The philosophy of “I’ll eat whatever I want and I’ll be fine” is okay if you party twice a month and your best chance of getting laid is picking up a hooker in Grand Theft Auto.

Not everyone knows how to take care of themselves and everyone should. This is the basic equation:

The more you take care of yourself = The more time and energy you have to party

And this is how to do it…

BREAKFAST

Skipping breakfast is like hoping to get high with just bong ashes — it’s NOT gonna happen. You’ll feel stupid and numbed by the middle of the day, making you irritable and snappy and lacking in concentration and nobody likes to deal, much less party, with people like that.

30-MINUTE MEALS TO THE GRAVE

It’s curious how popular Rachel Ray is. Leave it to her to turn a sandwich into a 2000-calorie artery-clogger. She must be responsible for a couple dozen deaths a month in the US. I can only imagine how she stands out on the holidays — maybe a Turducken inside a pig inside a horse? Horturduckenig?

Anyway, stop eating pub food and you’ll feel better. How do lads not know this yet?

COFFEE AND TEA

If you are a coffee freak or a walking teapot, you are also in trouble. Drinking too much coffee or tea may leave you feeling jittery, irritable, dehydrated and even interrupt your sleep pattern at night. If taken with your meals, tea and coffee inhibit the absorption of iron from your food and your body throws out the nutrient as waste. So give it a rest, tweakers.

STOP FIGHTING SLEEP

Have you ever found a good TV show on after 2 A.M.? Going to bed at 4 A.M. watching a John Cusack film is retardo. Sleep deprivation can negatively affect memory, learning and logical reasoning. Just go to bed instead of flipping channels and watching reruns for three hours. That way you won’t actually fall asleep on the girl/dude/whatever you finally convince to sleep with you.

Even better, take a nap. A nap in the afternoon is great for you. Here is a nice nap tip: It takes about 30 minutes for caffeine to start working, so drink a cup of coffee and take a nap. The warm drink will help you unwind and when you wake up, you’ll have a double dose of energy.

DRINK SOME FUCKING WATER

Most buildings are air-conditioned, so you don’t really sweat and therefore, don’t feel that thirsty. But in the long run, not drinking enough water can cause constipation, indigestion, gas, increased hunger pangs, dehydration and can make your skin look dull too. Wanna look like Danny Trejo?

I don’t think you do.

EXERCISE… A LITTLE

Guys, weight lifting is only good to do more weight lifting and look like a guido who lives with his mom. Cardio is the best exercise; it gives you endurance, agility and helps you get rid of your beer belly and man boobs. You’ll thank me next time a brother tries to steal your bucket of KFC.

Also, remember: Sex is the best cardio.

CIGARETTES

I won’t say anything against cigarettes. You know it’s bad to smoke, but how can you say no to the new fetus-flavor Marlboros?

Conclusion

So why do I tell you all this? Because I care about you? No! It’s because, if you take care of yourself at least on the weekdays, there’s a way less possibility of you passing out at 10:30 and me having to drag your ass home like a sack of drunk-fat-guy.

Don’t be so selfish, tubby.

@nvvmxac
Originally posted on Street Carnage.com