7 colours in her hair and how to approach with caution

Appearance reflects ideology and more often than not, the extreme hair colour of a feminist most certainly showcase their radical temperament and disposition.

If you are mutilating your natural hair with acid bleach so close to your brain to express your apparent oppression in a supposed male-dominated society then one would have to question your motivates, intention and sanity.

Feminists with insanely coloured hair and a lack of personal hygiene are a leading indicator of instability, mental illness, and an inability to function in a society.

In short, feminists with extravagant and outrageously coloured hair are not only a health and safety hazard, but could also cause catastrophic disaster if members of the public come in close quarters of these multi-coloured man repellents.

This effective form of colour coding is used in nature. In a phenomenon known as Aposematism, nature uses unnatural, vivid pigments (such as blue) to signal poison and imminent danger. The bright colours of a granular poison frog for instance signal a warning to predators of its toxicity.

Basically, an aposematic animal with a bright colouration and high contrast warn predators not to mess with it.

Having pink hair was actually a sign of being pretty cool in the early 2000’s

Also known as conspicuous colouration, it is a means of communicating that you are poisonous.

So basically, beware of infuriated feminists with unnatural hair colours. You might not get directly poisoned, but you might get slapped with a false rape accusation and an article written about you in Vice, or in Vice, or in Vice.

So with that warning in mind, let us use the logic of Aposematism when depicting the various hair colours of feminists.

Here are the feminist hair colour guide and 7 very specific colours and how to approach and proceed with caution.

Red – The unnatural red hair colour is usually worn by the demented and screechy ‘kill all white men’ sort of feminist.

Red represents the anger this raging feminist is presently feeling with the current political spectrum. Her pleas for the UK to remain within the European Union went unheard, so she dyed her white straight privileged hair in an apparent rebellious act to demonstrate her internal outrage. Each reddened coloured strain is comparable to that of the thickened blood gushing from her resentful vagina. Her aggravation is only matched by her unwavering hatred towards the 45th President of the United States and leader of the free world. Each time a man comes within the radius of her genitalia you know a complaint about white straight male misogyny is not far behind.

Purple – Though she looks more like Ribena blackcurrant then purple rain, the little purple corvette she drives is her own.

Nothing says “Look at me!” more effectively than a purple mop of hair conveniently placed onto your head like swirling piece of unicorn poop. These types of feminists know that they’re cheaply drawing attention to themselves and revel in every drop. Yet if a white straight male dares look in their direction due to the purple distraction currently residing on their head, just like a moth to a flame they will be burnt, and possibly be accused of being a male chauvinist white supremacist, simply because they thought they saw Barney the Dinosaur in the distance.

Green – Worn by the feminist that shares the view that gender is just a social construct while wanting to look like a leaf.

She may think she looks like poison ivy / some kind of cosplay elf princes’ warrior / or an eco-friendly vegan piece of broccoli with her mane coloured in a forest like green, but instead, her Emerald coloured hair more closely resembles something you would regurgitate after a night on the piss up down Camden Town. If she thinks her brightly coloured green hair makes her the empowered feminist version of the green power ranger, well… we are more Rita repulsed that she would even have the audacity to make that deluded compassion quite frankly. Power Rangers save the world; feminists sink humanity into the dark ages.  

Blue – She wants female solidarity and equality but wants you to pay for her McDonald’s Big Mac meal

Blue hair works well in anime or if you are a Dragon Ball-Z character, but in real life not so much. In fact, her blue hair is a statement that she’s unique and different than the other 150,000 emo girls with dyed electric blue hair. She may imagine herself as some kind of hipster alternative type of mermaid but she looks more like an angry smurf. With her chemically dyed blue hair looking like blueberries are organically growing from her head, she claims she just wants equality but the mood literally turns blue when you ask her to pay her share of the meal on date night.

Orange – Though it may look like she accidentally left tan bronzer in her hair, this tangoed liberationist does not want you to objectivity her.

In order to be a true non-conformist, one must conform. You’ll catch them all at Glastonbury looking like a gathering of peeled oranges strayed from the fruit aisle at Tesco because there’s no better way of rebelling against the system than looking exactly the same as every other orange haired fruit loop in a muddy field of horse manure cheering on Jeremy Corbyn.

Pink – Because behind each feminist movement is a pink haired Social Justice Warrior who never shaves their legs or armpits or has never discovered body deodorant before.

Having pink hair was actually a sign of being pretty cool in the early 2000’s (think the singer p!nk prior to her rock chick transformation) in fact if your hair resembled a candy cane chances were you were pretty ‘’out there’’ in an eccentric and amusingly unconventional kind of way. These days, traits of a pink-haired feminist include an obsession with transgender pronouns, Buzzfeed, feminist conspiracy theories, rape culture, a belief that misogyny is everywhere if only you look hard enough and an unhealthy obsession with cats. Speaking of pussy (the feline variety) it’s more likely they will smell of cat urine then strawberries. No wonder the sex doll industry is exploding.

Rainbow – Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Not only is this multi-coloured haired feminist blatantly culturally appropriating the Gay Pride rainbow flag, but the fact that she can’t even make up her mind on what colour she wants her hair to be, says a lot about her fickle views.  One moment she is bi-gender then cisgendered and the last time we checked in on her Facebook, she was a two-spirit person but we may need to double check our pronouns in case we cause the second coming of Jesus and the Rapture.

In conclusion

Whatever she has blue, green orange or just a complete and utter hot mess on her head. As soon as a woman indicates that she is a feminist or it has been established by the frightful dyed bush on her head that she is an enraged feminazi, this should be a cue to any straight white man to avoid her as much as possible. No straight white male should ever speak to a feminist. In fact, the feminist expects males to be completely silent in her presence, so just sneak pass and do not let the colourful hair distract you.

 

Michael Lee

@MangledMichael