Summer is like Facebook for fashion – people show off who they really are.
Summer is the best because girls have an innate ability to look good. When guys (and even girls) see girls they think ‘Thank you Lord Jesus’. But then there’s the other side of Summer. One second later there’s ‘a bunch of “Essex boys with their shirts off, and their super tight jeans and their bare feet loafers”, it’s pretty gross.
You rarely see a girl in sweatpants, socks and sandals above the 20-degree mark. Girls have it under control. But boys, oh boy. Boys need to learn the rules and find a girl that can enforce them, under a no-sex-threat, if necessary.
No shorts to work.
There is a wide variety of lightweight trousers out there, Uniqlo is great for this otherwise go to Kitsune in Paris and strip them off.
If you ever see your director’s legs, go to his office, put all of his shit in a bin bag and take over.
If the temperature is above 27 degrees then shorts are allowed at home and on the weekend, except for cargo shorts and homophobic shorts. Homophobic shorts are long shorts that go below the knees. If you are wearing shorts below the knees is because you don’t want people to think you are gay, and that’s homophobic.
You must have a collar.
Men above 22 should always have a collared shirt. Polos are great for your 20s or short sleeve pattern shirts above 30, just don’t have swastikas, that’s tacky.
If you must wear a T-shirt let it be a shirt from gift shop somewhere relatively unknown, like Lake Sakakawea (or this one). No bands, no TV shows, no breweries, and no fucking superheroes – what are you allergic to getting laid?
Now, shoes. The ONLY acceptable summer shoes are:
1 White Chuck Taylors. NOT black Chuck Taylors – what are you Chucky’s dad?
What about Chuck Taylors II? The answer is Yes. I don’t want to see any more brand new Chuck Taylors 1, There’s a new Chuck in town get on with the program.
2 Vans Era and Vans high tops. But again, not all black; never. all. black.
3 Rod Laver’s – for boys.
4 Stan Smith’s – for girls. Contrary to popular belief, these last 2 are not bisexuals, never mix them up.
50 shades of pink
The great thing about pink is that it’s ridiculously easy to combine with other light colours except with one, pink. I know you are blooming millennial and you think that dressing all pink will make Trump magically disappear from the planet, but it won’t. It will magically turn you into a marshmallow that no one wants to eat though.
If you are wearing shorts and low cut trainers you probably feel obliged to wear these and with good reason, you must wear them or your feet will stink, that is just the way the body works.
The trick here is, don’t tell anyone.
Before you head out there you must practice taking your shoes off and the sockettes at the same time leaving the sockettes inside the shoe, this is in case you need to jump into a pool or a volcano. Practice and practice hard because the second your wife sees you wearing nothing but sockettes she is going to leave you and take everything you own.
Alternatively, you can put some foot powder on but that means you can never take your shoes off. If the pool is filled with topless chicks you must jump with your shoes on, don’t let anyone see your white powdery fairy feet.
Flip Flops are a no go zone. Not at the beach, not at the park, not when washing the car, not even when running through fields of wheat. The only time that is maybe acceptable is if you are staying at a hostel and you can physically see the athlete’s foot fungus in the shower waving you in. Even then I prefer buying a £2 antifungal cream in Boots afterwards and problem solved.
Follow these easy steps and you too could get laid this summer. I’ve had sex once so I must be doing something right.