Crawling quietly through the soaring inches of grass on this beautiful and joyous sunny afternoon, beneath the backdrop of white clouds and blue skyline trying to carefully blend in with the surrounding greenery like camouflage in between the tall towering trees and lanky bushes. I hide and wait with baited breath, Poké Ball gripped In hand and eagerly ready to catch my very first Pokémon.
I am a Pokémon trainer, well, a beginner Pokémon trainer anyway. And I’m taking my very first steps and embarking on my very own journey to achieve my dream and become a true Pokémon master.
This would pretty much be the scenario if I was a young boy from Pallet Town with burning ambitions and desires to capture wild Pokémon, but unfortunately, my mundane surroundings are not the beautiful landscapes of the Kanto region but instead concrete pavements and looming council estate tower blocks standing sinisterly over my head. The only ‘wild’ creatures lurking in the nearby bushes are the local grooming gang and no Poké Ball would be quick enough to catch those perverts.
I wish I were a young adventuring Pokémon trainer exploring the great wilderness and dark treacherous caves searching for wild Pokémon to catch but the reality is I’m a horny unattached homosexual male looking for the next attainable anus to penetrate and I’m more likely to catch a bout of sexually transmitted diseases than a thundering Pikachu.
It was a typically mundane Sunday afternoon as I flicked between Pokémon Go and Grindr. I wasn’t even paying attention to my surroundings as I paved the local park, growing closer and closer to the rare sight of a Charmander that had magically appeared.
Or was it a local middle aged horny Eastern European man lurking by the men’s toilets at the far edge of the park? To be honest I can hardly remember as I switched between Pokémon Go and Grindr like some kind of paranoid schizophrenic. I wasn’t even sure what app I was using as I walked towards the park toilet like a zombified Lindsay Lohan (pre Islamic conversion) high on heroin and with an erection.
Was a roaring Charmander waiting for me inside the confines of the cubicles or a hairy asshole bent over waiting to get pounded?
As I stepped foot into the cold and damp insides of the toilet I instantly felt a numbing shiver across my back as I placed my feet onto the smeared tiles. There was an uncomfortable odour lingering in the air like someone had done an enormous poo and forgot to flush the chain.
I almost forgot about catching Pokémon or sucking a throbbing cock but suddenly, lo and behold, my phone began vibrating: an actual Charmander was hovering by the urinals.
Overcome by the sheer excitement of catching a bona fide Charmander the rotten smell of the surroundings all but vanished as I flicked a Poké Ball towards my unsuspecting target and waited with bated breath as I counted to the inevitable three spins of the Poké Ball, 1, 2, 3.. gotcha!
“Soon I had forgotten I was even looking for a wild Pokémon lurking in the nearby grass, I had caught something far more appealing than a virtual fragment of my imagination”
Suddenly the sound of a toilet flushing echoed the room, someone else was here and I was not alone as I originally assumed. I could hear the faint taps of footsteps on the smeared floor, then out of nowhere a click sound, the sound of an unlocking, and with that, the toilet cubicle door swung open, and out walked a man.
Dressed in blue jeans with a baggy black t-shirt, the man without looking and seemingly unaware I was waiting in the shadows like a dementor walked straight to the sink to wash his hands with soap and water. He was attractive, very attractive actually, white, stocky build with short dark hair and the most piercing green eyes I had ever seen.
Suddenly without warning, I had a tickle in my throat and I coughed, loud enough in fact for my attractive mystery man to spin his head round in astonishment and shock, he had assumed he was alone. How wrong he was when he noticed the crazed Pokémon trainer lurching by the urinals.
‘Oh’ He said looking surprised that there was another living and breathing human in these damped faeces covered surroundings,
‘You frightened me, I thought I was alone’
Spoken in the most gorgeous sounding masculine voice I had ever heard. This wasn’t a poofy campy feminine squeal, but an actual authentic and legitimate geezer voice. I awkwardly replied as I made my way to the sink to pretend that washing my hands was my intention the entire time.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you, I was just catching Pokémon and needed to quickly use the toilets”
I was hoping he wouldn’t feel I was a complete and utter freak who lurks inside smelly public toilets like a sex crazed paedophile.
OK, so I definitely wasn’t a paedophile, but the sex crazed part certainly was not a far fetch, I just didn’t think that it was appropriate to tell him that I was unsure whatever or not I was there to catch a Pokémon or suck off a dodgy Romanian.
“I love Pokémon Go I’m absolutely addicted I’m actually on my way now to catch a Meowth, did you want to come and catch it with me?”
I was trying to give a subtle – I would love to.
‘‘Oh my name is Daniel, what’s yours?’
“Michael, my name is Michael. So how far is this Meowth?”
With a slight stutter in my voice, I asked, eagerly showing my enthusiasm to catch fictional animals with a complete and utter beautiful stranger I had known for a mere few seconds.
And that was the moment that two unassuming Pokémon trainers ventured together into the wilderness, with each second that passed discovering more and more about one another. On our walk towards our unsuspecting Meowth, I learned a lot about this handsome and charming stranger walking beside me.
Daniel was 22 and actually lived only 30 minutes from me. He worked in retail but was eagerly hoping for a promotion, the more he spoke and recounted his life the more I was engrossed by him. Soon I had forgotten I was even looking for a wild Pokémon lurking in the nearby grass, I had caught something far more appealing than a virtual fragment of my imagination, I had caught someone very special I wanted to get to know a whole lot more.
‘So what about you, are you single? Do you have a partner?’
I asked, slyly using the word partner and not girlfriend. We were not at sexual origination disclosure stage just yet but I was also subconsciously praying inside that he was a raging homosexual, just a straight act one.
‘Erm, no I’m actually single’ he replied with an awkward yet adorably cute smile plastered on his face, ‘but I would love a boyfriend one day’ he replied.
“Oh, so you’re gay?’ I asked, ‘I wasn’t too sure but I didn’t want to ask upfront like that you know”
Oh I did, I just didn’t want to come across as an eager and overly attached catfish while hoping that the flirtations in my head were not signs that I was deluded and mentally deranged.
From then we giggled away until before we knew it minutes turned into hours and the moon had come out and the sound of police sirens could be heard in the faded distance, we had literally been talking for hours sat perched on a bench in the park.
‘I guess time flies when you are having fun’ I said still trying to be cute.
‘Especially if the company is good’ he replied, locking eyes with me as a cold breeze swept past our cheeks.
Suddenly he leans in towards me and kisses me, our lips automatically lock in an embrace as he puts his arms around my waist. My eyes close as my tongue touches his, feeling the stubble of his face on mine.
‘I would love to see you again’ he proclaims as he leans out from me and looks at me those blazingly green eyes.
‘So would I’ I reply without hesitation as I proceed to lean in towards him and kiss him again.
On a day in which I thought I was going to catch chlamydia from an illegal migrant in the local park I instead caught a boyfriend, oh and a Meowth too.