Dear Turner Art Prize Judges,

I would like to begin by saying that I am The Turner Prizes biggest fan.I never thought it possible that I could ever consider myself to be known as an ARTIST. I have no formal training and thankfully still have both my ears! I do not know what it is like to suffer the unending torture of that final stroke, that little flick of the wrist that just completes and finishes the creation, maybe I can’t call myself a true artist because I am really quite a happy and cheerful person?

I have been following the Turner Prize for quite a few years now and thought my lack of artistic ability would hinder my chances of ever achieving my goal of making it as a top British Dauber, but it seems that this lack of any real talent will probably mean that I can win the next competition.

Please, could you send me an application form for the next prize?

Anthea Hamilton 2016

I was lucky enough to be standing, with a video camera in hand, near a warehouse in Leyton on Wed 26th May.

This warehouse was on fire and as the flames engulfed the building I overheard that it contained some fine works of British art!

I screamed in horror as I realised that works by Tracey Eminem and Damien Hearst were burning, burning, burning, burn them all, inside. I looked like that poor soul in that famously frightening painting ‘Ice Scream’ by Edward Monkey.

I know now how that poor little boy felt in Monkeys painting, you see I too have waited patiently in the queue at the ice-cream van only to be told, as it came to my turn, that all the ice-cream was finished (I settled huffily for a Curly Wurly instead and prayed to God that Mr Nice-Creams brakes would fail on the next corner and he’d go hurtling over a cliff and smash into rocks (white ones) below like a big mobile flake making a perfect 99.

I was pulled back from the flames by the firefighters on numerous occasions as I tried in vain to rescue a little bit of Tracey’s soiled, blackened, beautiful, charred bed. Still, I managed to capture the happy event on camera and I shall enter my masterpiece in the next competition, I call the video ‘JUSTICE WAS DONE (WITH A CHERRY ON TOP) So, PLEASE send out that form A.S.A.P (as soon as possible).

Keep up the good work you do and I’ll see you at next year’s award ceremony?

Artistically yours-

Daniel Brady Fernie


Damien Hirst’s prize-winning work “Mother and Child Divided” (1993)


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