Thank you for participating in the twenty-somethings game. I really hope you treated it like such – a game.

Never again will you have that much freedom to do what you want to do without consequences, and if you’re married with children before 30, then congratulations – you blew it.

Illustration by Daniel Bombardie

I hope you did all the drugs possible, got into fights and had sex with everyone; From white, black, Asian, ugly, fat, and tall. To the psychos, sluts, nerds and midgets…(my apologies if I’m forgetting someone).

Hope you’ve had a three-way and a few abortions.

Each scar is a story that goes well with your crooked nose; it means you don’t take bullshit and you stand behind your friends.

I hope you’ve broken a few hearts and cheated enough in your 20s, ’cause from now on cheating becomes pathetic.

I hope you crashed a few cars and spent at least a night in jail.

I hope you wore that Seinfeld shirt enough. Every shirt that reflects your personal taste in music, films, or video games needs to go in the bin.

Give away your Xbox; next time you play video games will be with your son.

Move on from skinny to slim jeans, throw away every pair of flashy trainers you own, get rid of that Mohawk, get rid of your nose ring, get rid of your skateboard, and your umbrella.

Stop smoking weed for five years; this is when you need to figure out what to do for the rest of your life other than wasting your life in a 9-5.

I hope you travelled enough and worked at a bar; bar-work forces you out of your shell.

I hope you crashed a few cars and spent at least a night in jail.

I hope you don’t regret any of your tattoos and I really hope you don’t wear white socks anymore.

And last but not least, I hope you know that from now on you have an official invisible license to undermine every twenty-something and that turning 30 is a big relief when you’ve done your 20s the right way.

Happy birthday, you old fart.



Originally posted in Thought Catalog

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