Tumblr is supposed to be this world of fantasy and greatness where everything is cool. But what if I find a girl who reflects everything I’ve ever wanted?

Seems like Tumblr gathers the best of music, fashion, design, LOLs, tattoos, etc., so one would wonder why people with such incredible taste would relate to Forever Alone.

Well, Tumblr users spend hours looking at awesomeness — but then what? You turn off your computer and go… yeah, to the real world; the stress, the mortals, the ugliness. Who in the world would want that after great Tumblr sights?

No one, that’s who. Beautiful girls on Tumblr prefer to stay home and take photos of their cat instead of looking at your ugly flip flops, and that’s totally valid.

Nevertheless, these girls want to be approached and date other Tumblr people. But if she isn’t going to leave her computer to get awkwardly hit on by you in person, then how, HOW are you ever going to pick her up?

This is how:

STEP 0: You will obviously be looking for a local girl around your age, who you are probably already stalking on Facebook.

STEP 1: Add her to Tumblr and like one of her posts. To let her know that you are not just randomly adding Tumblogs, go back a couple of pages until you find something you actually like. THIS CAN ONLY HAPPEN ONCE. The first time you add a girl is the only time you can go back through her Tumblr without looking like a stalker. (And trust me, she will notice if you do.)

WARNING: If her Twitter account is in there, forget it! You don’t want to add her to Tumblr and Twitter at the same time.

STEP 2: If everything she posts is great, then this will be easier; you have to catch a live post and reblog it. Remember that anything you reblog will automatically reflect your personality, so don’t reblog a cupcake with sprinkles on it. You are not a sunflower.

Keep reblogging stuff for around a week. Don’t reblog her every day or use a single pattern. Try something like this:

Day 1: 2 likes, 1 reblog
Day 2 : 2 likes
Day 3: 2 reblogs
Day 4: Nothing because you have a fucking life
Day 5: 2 reblogs

You get the point.

STEP 3: At this point you can speed up things, depending on how many likes she has given you. Obviously, reblogs are better; if she reblogs you constantly, you can now go to second base (i.e. the ask box).

Add her to Twitter, if it’s visible. If not, you can say something like, “Nice Tumblr! Got Twitter?” Also, participate whenever she asks or says something. Even if it’s corny or stupid, all of these must always be liked.

STEP 4: If she does have Twitter, stop every like and reblog until she follows you back. If she never does, that’s it for you, pal. Pack your eye-bags and move on to another girl. Twitter persona is a bit harder to disguise and if she doesn’t follow you back, it’s because you are not interesting. Sorry.

STEP 5: Start the Twitter flirt. Reply every now and then, and as days go by, get into the DMs. Girls LOVE DMs. Every time she wakes up with a DM from you, she will think you are the best guy there is, and you will never leave her, and your wedding will be under a triangle nebula with cats and Nutella everywhere (or whatever other stupid shit she’s constantly posting on Tumblr).

FINALLY: With her being on Tumblr, you have access to everything she likes — food, movies, a walk on the beach or, if you are lucky, just a 12-pack and a bag of weed. Set up a date so perfect she can never say no, and ask her out.

Note: If none of this works out, it’s probably because you’re not 16 years old anymore, Tumblr is actually all fat men pretending to be girls, or you are uglier than Dany Trejo.


This article was originally posted on Street Carnage* in March 2011.