1) Bring cash

This is what separates the men from the children. Children like contactless ’cause it’s a toy, My dad said a man should always have cash on him. Cash feels good, cash is fast, bring cash.

2) No shandies

Half lemonade half beer is the formula my mum used for my baby bottles.

3) No Gum

There’s a weird specimen out there that enjoys putting gum under bars, chairs and tables. I’ve never seen anyone actually doing it but the evidence is there – why are you chewing gum anyway, did you just suck a bag of dicks??

4) If you’re a regular say hi!

What sort of shit-for-brains goes to a pub every day and doesn’t interact with the staff at least the bare minimum. Don’t you know about free drinks? Discounts? Cum-free food? Faster service? You could be saving a fortune with a simple ‘how’s you!’

5) No ice doesn’t mean more booze

You think you’ll get more drink, therefore, more booze but you’re only getting more calories. Nice one, fattie. The more ice they put in your drink, the better the pub is. Fact.

6) No water

Drinking water at a pub is like eating salad at a steakhouse, it’s like reading in a strip club, like decaf coffee, like touch rugby or  Netflix on a wedding night; plus drinks ARE water, why do you think they’re called drinks, dummy.

Only Jesus Christ is allowed to order water at a bar.

7) It’s OK to ask for a pint of lager

Beer snobs will argue that you don’t know shit about beer, and you don’t, but you probably get laid more than them so it’s all good.

8) Don’t ask to charge your phone

If you absolutely need your phone on at all times (e.g, wife in labour, a sick child,) you would certainly be prepared or carry a concealed power bank. If you aren’t, then you don’t need it because you’re not that important.

9) One taster only

Imagine a shit-bomb is in your trousers and will go off if you don’t drink beer asap. That’s how fast you should order your beer.

10) No soft drinks

Only savages drink straight mixer.



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