♦If you want to do it or have a tip on someone who would, email to drunks@readpublichouse.uk♦

We met two members of the band, vocals – Joe Capaldi, and guitars – Jonny Webber, in a pub in East London along with their babysit – sorry, manager Aiden Pryor.

Hello guys, first of all, thank you for showing up drunk, our budget is tight at the moment

[GF] Thank you.

Did I hear you recently sucked off a member of another band during a gig in NYC?

[Joe] Yes we did, Pink Cigar, they’re very handsome. No regrets.

What’s going on with your hair?

[Jonny] Sex.

Joe, you kinda look like Billie Joe from Green Day. What do you think about that?

I’ve never met him before. He’s a cunt.

That doesn’t make any sense.

I read somewhere you smoke caterpillars, how’s that working out for you?

Yes, it tastes so much better than weed. You dry it first and then you put it on weed. It doesn’t get you high but it tastes great.

At this point, our sexpert Shaily Lovelace took over the interview.

I get the impression you guys like rough sex. How often do you get laid as a band? ‘Cause that’s the whole point of having one right?

[Jonny] That IS the point you’re right. But actually I like intimacy, I like to smooch. I like to call them, see how they are – and never call them again. But I do like to cuddle. I like to take it slow and sensual.

The biggest misconception about English people is that they don’t like to prolong the sexual experience.

Yeah, they say Englishmen are at the bottom of the list, why is that?

[Joe] I’m not. Yeah, people think that Spanish people with their ‘bonita senorita’ are the best but, we’re trying to get us up there again. One lady at a time.

Who gets laid the most?

[Jonny] Joe’s never had sex, he’s waiting for the ring. He’s catholic. I get laid the most, for the record.

Tell us some fucked up crazy shit you’ve done.

[Jonny] We saw a caravan in someone’s front garden

[Joe] – wait that’s not bad dude! That’s not that bad!

Say the bad one!

[Jonny] Well, she was under 12….

[Joe] Ooooooh!

Nah nah, it’s nothing like that, nothing peado-ey at all….

[Jonny] We went to play a gig, everyone was kicking off because the sound was shit, but they didn’t seem to mind. Anyway, we went out after, had a good time, took some drugs, got coked up, and we had some spray paint in my car and we were like ‘Oh, what could we do with this spray paint?’ Oh, I don’t know, let’s spray the whole campus with ‘Garage Flowers’,

…Which we proceeded to do. We were in no fit state to, you know make a sensible decision.

After that, we went to a few pubs, stayed at the girl’s house, went back in the morning to the car, and there were some security guards around taking pictures of it. In my drunken state I was like ‘let’s get out of here!’.

So we got into the car and he was like ‘are you over the limit?’ and I was like ‘nah, I’m fine, I’m fine. And he said ‘because, you know if you are, we’re gonna call the police right now and get you arrested’. So I was like ‘oh, alright I had a ‘few shandies’ last night – I should be fine’.

Then he said ‘If I was you, I would go away, get sobered up at where ever you were staying’. So we went around the corner, had a few more beers… I mean, it was 8 o’clock wasn’t it?

So we waited around until 9 o’clock for it to open to get ourselves some more shandies. Eventually, we ended up going back to the car and I gave myself up, and the security guards were still there, and said: “yeah, we called the cops already.” So I had a chat with the police and…

So, wait, what were you charged with?

Criminal damage, you know. I mean, they thought it was funny! I never got charged by the actual police. My graffiti was on a public highway, on the road, so they said it’s not actually the university’s problem it’s the highway’s problem. So, got away with it scot-free!

Inspirational! *claps all around*

Well, we will end on that note – there’s too much slurring happening at this table. You can fuck off now.

Joe -out.

Joe -out.